You may be interacting with a time bomb and not even know it.

How do you know if someone in your life is toxic?

Look for the drama.  In fact, pay attention to the energy.  Toxic behaviors can be among the most energy draining and destructive forces there are. People who have unmet needs, often the result of deeper emotional wounds, tend to be surrounded by drama and chaos. All humans are born with the need for love, attachment, attention, attraction and attunement. When these needs are ignored or go unfulfilled, negative behaviors can develop in attempts to satisfy these deficits.  Oftentimes the behaviors present in unhealthy ways such as bullying, playing the victim or martyr, and perfectionism.  Because the behaviors are self-serving they feel like a drain on our energy, which is exactly what they are.  They literally leave us feeling exhausted.  We can easily get sucked into their toxic dynamic without even knowing it, and take on our own role in the toxic cycle in an attempt to regain some of our energy. 

This is why these behaviors are called toxic, because of the infectability factor. Toxic behaviors often live beneath our awareness, which is how it spreads. Anyone can carry it, like a virus, and it can go unnoticed for a long time.  Whether the people in question are a significant part of your life or only a peripheral connection, negativity is catabolic, meaning it causes deterioration. It has the potential to break down your sense of self, decrease your motivation, passion, and wreak havoc on your personal joy. Toxic habits in regard to controlling, manipulative and abusive behaviors lower our personal energy levels, which ultimately results in anxiety, depression, or worse, complete apathy.  

Our energy levels determine almost every aspect of our lives from joy, to success and overall well being.  We need energy, and more importantly we need positive energy, so it is important to recognize the possible leaks and drains to our potential.

Let’s talk about relationships

When the word ‘relationship’ is spoken, it is most often identified with ideals of romance. Films and television shows tend to provide compelling storytelling examples for us. They offer starry templates from which we can start to build our understanding of what love should look like.

As we all know, the movies masterfully depict the ‘real life’ relationships they tell stories of, adding a great deal of sparkle to the scenes we are shown. They provide escapism, but they don’t necessarily help us to navigate our own choices and experiences. 

But what about the other types of relationships we experience in our lives? 

Every day, we engage in a multitude of relationships beyond the perimeters of partnership. We communicate with colleagues and chat with friends. We spend time with family members, including our children. Much of our time is spent in the company of others. 

All of these relationships have an effect on our life experiences and our wellbeing. 

Unfortunately, sometimes the relationships in our lives can cause us harm. The behaviors of the people we spend our time with inescapably have an effect on how we feel. They aren’t always easy to spot. Toxic behaviors can be hard to identify – especially when we, ourselves, are empathetic.  We might find it hard to believe or to even imagine that someone we trust would take hurtful actions against us.  But believe me, this happens way more than we think.

Abusive behaviors don’t always look like abusive behaviors. 

Abusive behaviors can be disguised and difficult to recognize, but we can spot them by the manner in which they make us feel. If you feel consistently and regularly de-valued, lacking energy, or upset around a certain person, then this is not something to brush off. Ignoring these sorts of behaviors from someone now only allows them more power, as it takes away yours. This is not an acceptable arrangement no matter who the relationship is with or in what capacity.

Here are some examples of unhealthy behaviors from the different relationships we spend our time with:

1.  Toxic Parents 

The adults that are responsible for our care as we grow up have a huge effect on how we view and perceive the world around us. Whether you were brought up by your own biological parents or an appointed caregiver, their influence on you was impactful. It laid the groundwork for all other interactions in your life. The early developing neural-pathways were formed marked with rules and emotions regarding positive interactions and negative interactions that we might be programmed to avoid or protect ourselves from.   Even as an adult, they continue to have an effect. Do you notice that your reactivity is extremely high when your parent/s call, or when you are in their presence? If so, then this could be a sign that there is some negative communication happening currently or likely has occurred previously. You have the right to be the individual you are meant to be and to have your own set of beliefs and values at every age. If you feel that your passions and ambitions are negated, criticized or put down, then this is a warning sign that there is possible negative behaviour on their part. You don’t have to accept this, no matter what stage of life you are in.

2.  Toxic Relatives  

In every culture, the value of the family network is significant. However, in some cases those ‘niche’ family traditions you all participate in can be unhealthy and you may not even realize it.  Sometimes we can recognize the obvious insults and snide remarks, but sometimes the insults and control tactics are disguised and at the surface, imperceivable.  Does your family brush off your ideas if they are different to their own?  Do they question your differences, your values, or your interests if they don’t match theirs? These are unsupportive behaviors, and they can be damaging to self esteem. We don’t choose our family members. But this doesn’t mean we need to go along with them.  Everybody deserves to be treated with consideration and respect.  Families, out of familiarity, sometimes forget to pay attention to each other’s feelings, or even have ulterior motives. They know each other’s hot buttons and how to manipulate each other.  Your relatives should be a support network for you, not a webbed trap to fall victim to. The same rules of healthy relationship behaviors should apply in every example of personal connection. It doesn’t matter whether someone is your cousin, your sibling, or even a relative by law. Your feelings matter, and you should always be treated with genuine care. At the very least, you deserve to be treated with respect.

3.  Toxic Colleagues  

For many of us, we spend a great deal of our time at work. In some cases, most of our time. Therefore, the relationships we are a part of when at work can have a large impact on our wellbeing. Are you respected by your colleagues? Do you feel singled out for your mistakes, or made to feel incapable? Unfortunately, sometimes playground behaviors of bullying and pack mentality can manifest in working environments. Pay attention to the patterns of communication and the tactics used to manage and control.  Sometimes only one bad apple can infect the work environment through splitting techniques such as gossip, complaining or general negativity.  If this is the case, then you need to seek support from your managers. If your managers are the problem, then consider a change of workplace. Your mental health is more important than any professional role, every time.

4.  Toxic Friends  

When a friendship is unhealthy, it can be a huge drain of our energy and valuable time. Sometimes friendships become negative as life moves on. Someone might have been an excellent friend to you throughout college, but now you are reaching for your goals they may resent your development and try to hold you back. This is a common but very destructive behavior. Some friendships are toxic from the start but we may not have recognized it. If you are questioning a current friendship, look for their ability to connect.   If you are able to talk through any issues with your friend and work on the problems, then the friendship can likely be saved.  But if the other person is unwilling to work on the friendship, this is a big red sign of toxic behavior.  Acknowledge the reality of the situation and value yourself highly enough to remove yourself from it. You don’t need to create a dispute or even let them know your choices, if you don’t feel able to.  But backing away from the friendship and into a safe space is perfectly fine. Remain vigilant with your boundaries  and who you allow to be an active part of your life. Your ongoing mental health and wellbeing rely upon it.

5.  Toxic Partners  

We are at our most vulnerable with our partners. We get closer to them and allow them to see aspects of ourselves that few others see.  We can become self protective or unsure when things don’t feel quite right. This is a normal part of being in a couple. But, what is not normal – and therefore unacceptable – is being treated in a way that makes you doubt  your own value. Your home and your personal life is your sanctuary.  If instead it feels like a series of restrictions for you to fight your way out of then pay attention to the relationship. Healthy, genuine love brings out the best sides of you. If you are consistently finding the most stressed, anxious and even angry sides of yourself surfacing, then you may need to examine the relationship you are in. It may be the case that this is the time to leave this toxic relationship behind.  We will explore toxic romantic relationships further. Whether it is with a boyfriend/girlfriend, fiance, or spouse, these are the most significant relationships and therefore have the potential to cause the most damage to our psyche and sense of self.

Pay attention to your body’s signals. 

One of the strongest tools you have at your disposal, is your personal gut instinct. This overlooked secret weapon is actually one of the most important ones you can use when gauging whether a person or situation is healthy for you or not.

Do you have a nagging feeling that something isn’t right? Listen to it.

Notice if your stomach clenches up, or if your shoulders tighten, or even any minor pains or discomforts.  These can all be signs that your body is trying to tell you that something is not right.

 We are all guilty to some degree of unhealthy behaviors. We are very human, and we are all learning as we go. The difference between an unhealthy relationship and healthy one, is simply the desire to make things better for the other person. Genuine love and respect does not allow for toxic behaviors. If you take just one thing away from this article, then let this statement be the element you take with you. 

If you are currently involved in a relationship that is regularly making you unhappy, then don’t ignore it. Take action to establish your true value – not only to the other person, but for yourself. You are worthy of good care and genuine authenticity. You don’t deserve to be treated badly or manipulated to be someone you are not.

Nothing is more important than your wellbeing. This applies to you now, and always.

If someone in your life is in any way a danger to you – physically or emotionally – then seek immediate support to help you out of the situation. If you are not able to disconnect safely, then ask for help from trusted loved ones or a professional body.

The world is full of those who will love you in the way you deserve. If those people aren’t around you right now, then head out and find them. They are ready and waiting to enjoy spending time with you!