Tag Archives: Toxic Relationships

Am I The Toxic One?

Do you ever wonder if you’re the toxic one? Its Time to Get Real With Yourself.

Are you the toxic one in the relationship? It’s time to get real with yourself. Many people in toxic relationships with controlling partners find themselves wondering if the manipulator is right about them. “Am I the toxic one?” Maybe I am the ‘sick one’, they think. There are almost always signs to prove this to be so.

It would be nearly impossible to be in a toxic relationship for very long without becoming reactive. Do you ever find that you’re more angry, sarcastic, or annoyed than you would like to be? Or more than you might have been in the past? Oftentimes, the receivers of toxicity find themselves wondering if they are the ones that drove the relationship apart. You may have noticed others backing away from you. Maybe you’re not as connected to people as you used to be. This is not the case for everyone, but sometimes after being in a toxic relationship for a long time, we form a sort of shield of protection that may have served its purpose during the times needed but now it seems to do more harm than good. The shield can be in the form of a defensive stance or the opposite; over-niceness, over-pleasing and over-sharing.

Empathetic and sensitive people begin to learn ways to protect themselves.

After years of mistreatment, empathetic people eventually learn defense tactics. In fact, toxic people are typically drawn to people with empathy because they lack defense mechanisms to begin with. Being empathetic means having sensitivity, which is a good thing, but it needs to be protected. It is not an easy journey that you have been through and you have a difficult journey ahead of you. But, in order to heal, you have to get real with who you are. That means being aware of some of the unwanted defenses that may have formed. You have to accept all of you and understand the things that you have been through, even if that means you picked up some toxic behaviors.

Seeking toxic relationship advice is often a clear sign that you are someone looking for genuine help and are willing to examine difficult situations. There will come a time when you will need to go beyond the first layer of your exterior protective shell. What others might be telling you about yourself is only their singular opinion. Look beyond the outer image you have carefully constructed and closely examine underneath the hood of your reinforced surface. It is possible that you have developed a shield between your emotions and the outside world for your own emotional protection. It is also possible that this shield, which usually presents itself as defensiveness, sarcasm, anger or indifference appears less appealing to others than you would wish. It can have the potential to push people away. But you need the support of others, so pushing them away is the opposite of what you want to do.

The shield against toxic people may be causing you pain.

There is a direct link between your protective shield and the hidden emotions that it has tried to protect. You probably have a great deal of empathy, which means that your sensory system is strong. This can be both a blessing and a curse depending on your relationship. Having robust sensitivity is excellent for intuition, creativity, and experiencing the most out of life. However, someone with lower sensitivity, or worse, a controller, appears to be annoyed by emotions. Any emotions from an empath can lead to negative consequences because controllers do not like emotions. Emotions represent independence, something separate and out of the controller’s reach. They are inconvenient to the manipulator so he/she will do anything to shut them down, including using harsh control tactics. Depending on the ‘conditioning’ you received, having or expressing emotions might make you feel vulnerable, even ashamed.

So how do you break down this protective shield and heal?

It is time to call on your faith. Take a look at your spiritual belief system to help carry you through this process. Look at your lifelong structured belief system and examine your fears, and your beliefs about yourself.. Do you believe that you deserve to be loved or do you believe that you deserve to be mistreated? Do you believe that you deserve to be forgiven? Can you forgive others?

After a long experience of mistreatment, manipulation and abuse, we become swayed into thinking that we are unlovable. We have often believed that we were misunderstood, untrustworthy and unacceptable. I used to believe that I had to work hard for love and attention, which was almost always unattainable. I thought I had to be charming, accomplished, fun, witty, beautiful, sexy, smart, strong, etc. to deserve love. Of course this was impossible to achieve, so I therefore constantly felt unlovable. Simply being myself, asking for love without manufacturing certain characteristic traits was not an option. It was very difficult to just be me without the enhanced and exaggerated superficial qualities that I thought were required.

This type of thinking makes it hard to connect with people at any real level, which can be very lonely. As entertaining as I might have thought I was, there was nobody there for me in times of emotional needs. I did not trust people to accept the genuine me, which made me appear untrustworthy to others. I felt very little compassion for myself because I knew the qualities that I showed to others were not real.

Assembling that protective shield, always trying to be attractive, constantly coming up with something witty to say, trying to appear knowledgeable, or indifferent, was hard work. How was I to feel compassion toward my real self? I felt vulnerable and boring and found interest in things that nobody else did. I had emotions that were not being truly expressed and experiences that were not being truly experienced. I knew deep down that what I presented to others was different than how I actually felt. If I could not feel compassion toward myself, how could I feel compassion toward others?

Build healthy boundaries.

Through gentle and compassionate therapy, I slowly started allowing myself to see some of the defensive traits that I had unconsciously developed to protect myself. These were the traits that were keeping me emotionally isolated. I had to trust that I would be okay without my armor. It is okay to just be me. I was not even sure what that meant at first or who I was without all the razzle dazzle. This can be terrifying to someone who consistently received negative treatment for any form of authenticity, independent thinking, or emotional expression. Letting go of the shield and allowing myself to be vulnerable has been a lifelong journey, which takes daily maintenance. But real connection cannot happen through self-fabricated and superficial qualities. Connection only happens through a genuine heart, and a genuine heart is vulnerable and exposed.

Get real to truly connect with others.

Recognizing your defenses, breaking them down and letting them go is the only way to let the world in, connect with others and live the life you were meant to live.This means being emotionally exposed, which is scary and difficult. Your journey will be long and rocky, but at the same time beautiful and full of real, authentic experiences that only you can explore. It is much easier to block our feelings, put up the exterior armor, and not care. Afterall, your feelings have been shamed, ridiculed, and manipulated. They tended to get in the way, causing more harm than good. But the problem is, when you block uncomfortable feelings such as sadness or fear, you also block the positive feelings of joy and love. It is difficult to formulate a sense of wonder, feel inspired, passionate or energized without connecting to even your own feelings.

Usually your greatest strengths are connected to your most shameful weaknesses. Figure out what those are by allowing yourself to feel your emotions. Identify and call out by name the feelings that you tend to avoid the most. What are you feeling underneath the anger or indifference? Think about when someone promises something and then lets you down. There might be a whole slew of emotions that could be hard to identify without thoughtful attention. You might be feeling anger or indifference as a protective guard against the other more painful emotions such as disappointment, sadness, or even rejection. Name those feelings and sit with them for a little while.

You have to be willing to stay there in the deep, dark scary well of emotions long enough to accept that these are what you have been avoiding. It might take some time because the protective survival part of your brain will want to shove these uncomfortable feelings far away from you. To bring them out try writing about them. If that doesn’t work draw, paint, or sing them, anything to allow them to be experienced and expressed. It is only here, in the bottom of the emotional well, deep in the darkness of loneliness and fear that your heart begins to open. This is where healing takes place.

In the depths of this deep, dark emotional well, the past will present itself in the most haunting ways.

You might feel resounding regrets after wasting so much of your precious time with someone toxic, or maybe you will mourn the past. You may recognize parts of yourself that you don’t like and don’t want to see. Notice if you feel sorry for yourself. Allow that for only a short period of time, setting a time limit on how long you will stay on your pity pot. Feelings of shame and vulnerability will likely well up. Be still and patient with these difficult, and painful feelings. Experience the power of their ability to transform you.

A new sense of wonder will rise in you as the negative feelings pass through you. Let them shape you and heal you. The hard, scary emotions will lose their power over you and become small and insignificant. Other more powerful feelings will take their place, feelings of optimism, joy and love. You will discover a feeling of true connection to others, even in their flawed and imperfect humanness

The qualities that you were trying to manufacture are already there and have always been part of you.

Without the barricade and filter of your shield these qualities will have a chance to shine on their own, in their full, glorious intended purpose. Enjoy your strengths and honor your weaknesses. Your weaknesses are what shape and give rise to your best qualities. You are a force of nature and a full expression of your soul when you are your most authentic self. Some of the external impacts will require your defenses, such as when someone is trying to take advantage of you or violates your boundaries.

Trust that you have natural defenses that will automatically activate when needed. You do not need to withdraw or put up a front to protect your sense of self. That will only serve to shut others out. You can trust that you were created to be exactly as you are. This is where you need to rely on your faith. It is okay to let go of your sense of control and trust that you are enough. All of your desires are in you for a reason. If you desire to be a strong, witty, intelligent person, chances are that is because that is who you are. Pay attention to the qualities that you admire. Those are the reflections of your soul.

Be real, stay real.

Maintaining the state of real connection and living to your best life to your fullest potential requires daily maintenance. You will need to ground yourself regularly. Continue to break down the defensive shield over and over again, and be vulnerable. There will always be others who are fighting their own battles and will try to violate your boundaries in some way or another. Tune into them instead of away from them, understand their pain and foster a sense of compassion.

You have to realize that you are not in control and do not need to be in control. Trust your faith in something greater than you. None of this is easy. Our tendency is to block out pain and the brain has a tricky way of hiding it from us. The more we become aware of, express and accept the difficult feelings like shame, fear, sadness and pain, the less likely you will be to implode. Imploding turns those feelings against yourself, which can erupt into outbursts. Ultimately being real brings real joy, pleasure, true connections and fulfillment.

Honor Your Uniqueness

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After being in a toxic relationship we lose our sense of individuality.

We become conditioned to ignore our wants, needs, values, likes, and dislikes. Self-expression was threatening to the toxic person so it was squashed in subtle ways. We learned that individuality returned negative consequences in some form or another. In order to heal from toxic relationships we must regain our sense of self and honor our uniqueness. Relearn that it is okay to be different, and not have the same opinions, interests, or needs as others. In fact, not only is it okay, it is vital to the human race that we are all different.

Find your passion. Let your music be heard.

“Be daring, be different, be impractical, be anything that will assert integrity of purpose and imaginative vision against the play-it-safers, the creatures of the commonplace, the slaves of the ordinary.“

~ Cecil Beaton

To fully heal from toxic pain, you have to remember who you are.

For years I did not honor my own individuality. I tried desperately to hide any differences so that I might fit in, often at the expense of my own uniqueness, talents, interests, beliefs and behaviors. I hid a lot of what makes me me because I feared appearing different and ultimately being punished or rejected. One of the biggest milestones in healing from toxic relationships is when we can recognize that our individuality is valuable.

Think of our education system. Schools are primarily about conforming so that teachers and staff can keep order. Students are taught very early to walk a straight line, when to speak and when to keep quiet, what types of things they are aloud to say, ask, do, and even think. Awards are given to every child so that nobody feels left out or bad about themselves, even if Jack runs faster than Anthony, they both get an award. And when Anthony is better at reading, they still both get awards. How does this honor each of their unique talents and celebrate their individuality? It only reinforces the false concept that we must all be alike, which squashes not only uniqueness but also self-esteem, because no two people are alike.

Being like everyone else is an impossibility, a guaranteed failure, an expectation that nobody can fulfill. In our education system, churches, and other institutions, individual thinking is frowned upon. Imagine how the world would be if people like Leonardo Da Vinci, Darwin, Thomas Edison, or Albert Einstein thought only as they were instructed to think? Anyone who ever stood out from the rest and achieved greatness, only did so because of their uniqueness. They may have fought many battles for it, but today are considered great visionaries, and world changers.

How do you stand out?

Healing from toxic relationships requires asserting your individuality.

It took a long time and a lot of courage to reveal certain aspects of myself such as my own quirkiness, talents, interests or fascinations that others seemed to find dull (which of course, would mean that I must therefore be dull). I’m still working on this, and even writing this blog feels scary. I have to keep reminding myself that the more genuine I am about who I am, the more I find like-minded people. After unknowingly being controlled by others for so many years, characteristics like courage, trust and internal fortitude are only a few of the things that took a toll. The risk of losing perceived friends or connections with others seemed too overwhelming to allow my true self to show. Exposing feelings, interests, beliefs, etc. hadn’t worked out for me during my relationships with controlling people because controlling people are threatened by these qualities as they represent self-confidence, strength and independence. Controllers will use whatever methods they can to break those characteristics down in order to gain control.

How can we possibly see the big picture from the single perspective of our comparatively tiny human brains? There are about 6 billion humans on this planet. It fascinates me that out of the billions and trillions of humans that have ever lived, each one of us is unique. Sure, there are similarities, but none of us are exactly the same. Did you ever contemplate the magnitude of this? Why, and how are we all so different? Imagine what life would be like if we were all the same. Let’s take a quick microscopic look at any living thing. Each cell has a valuable and vital function to fill. A flower has many parts just to bloom into a flower so that it can carry out its own purpose in life. A seed begins with a cell, which divides, and as the cells increase in number they begin to have different characteristics to carry out specific roles; root, stem, leaf, bud, bloom, petal, pollen and or fruit and so on. They all work together for a greater purpose but they each have their own specific function. Our bodies are similar, with each cell instructed to perform specific tasks. Each cell is valuable in its uniqueness, just as each individual human is a valuable and vital asset to something much greater than ourselves. Our value and purpose usually expands much beyond comprehension.

Self-confidence is usually the first thing to be attacked in a toxic relationship.

Healing from toxic relationships requires a rebuilding of self-confidence. Whether through overt or covert tactics manipulators target your sense of self. Without self-confidence there will be little to support independent thinking or strength of character. Where did that self-confidence go? Don’t worry, it’s still there, it’s just buried under a lot of fear, obligation and guilt (FOG). The first thing we need to do is start questioning everything. Our beliefs may have been adopted automatically through exposure to the doctrines around us like our parents, spouses, churches, education, friends, or other trainings. A controlling relationship will certainly speed up the process of unconsciously changing our beliefs. We may not even notice the beliefs we gradually adopt through subtle training, manipulation and scare tactics. Any emotion paired with fear is supercharged and on high alert, ready for action, even if that means conformation to external influences. Controllers attempt to impose their set of rules onto others in their attempt to gain their own personal wants, needs, and desires. If they can program their partner, child, or employee to do their bidding, that makes their life so much easier.

So how do we begin to tap into courage and strength?

Finding our way back to the that stuff that sets us apart and makes us awesome is the exciting part of the journey to healing. There are some exercises that can help boost your sense of self and thereby increase self-confidence, the driving force behind regaining your sense of self. All of them work toward healing and increasing awareness about who you are and who you are meant to be on this planet as a unique individual with a distinct purpose that nobody else can quite fulfill.

1. Stop worrying about pleasing others.

Put yourself first, meaning your needs, your feelings, your wants, your desires and your sanity. Being in a controlling relationship literally trains you to put others first. Over time you forget about your own needs because you are hyper-focused on pleasing others. This happens because you are either rewarded or punished for putting others first. You begin to operate from a place of fear rather than from a place of love. You might fear the consequences of another’s displeasure, anger or bad mood. If you pay attention to your reactions, you will notice that you live in fear of their anger or hurt feelings. What is controlling you? Ask yourself what it is that you are worried about? Why do you care what others think or feel, especially at the cost of your own joy. Giving away your joy is a surefire way to decrease self-esteem, so stop. Be nice to yourself and quit worrying about others’ anger, feelings, opinions or even attention. Give your attention to the things that you actually enjoy.

2. Pay attention to your sensory experiences.

How will we know what we actually enjoy if we don’t pay attention to the way we experience the world around us? That is the soul purpose of our bodies, to experience life. We have five measurable ways to do this; through sight, sound, taste, touch and smell. We each experience the world in our own ways but can only make measurable interpretations through these five senses. There are other senses that give us information about our world such as balance, intuition, our sense of love and energy, even though we have yet to accurately form a system to measure these things. Pay attention to all of your senses and dive into the human experience of the moment, indulge in a sensory bath and really notice what and how you feel. Notice what you enjoy and what inspires you. This not only allows you to be you through the practice of seeing the world through your own eyes, so to speak, but is also very grounding. It places you in the moment instead of the constant state of worry about the past or future. This exercise allows your to experience new things and form new sensory associations, which helps compete against the strong sensory associations created by the false input of others.

3. Go outside of your comfort zone every once in a while.

Another way to boost self-confidence and heal from toxic relationships is to go outside of your comfort zone. It might seem daunting at first, but with a little effort it can do wonders for your self-esteem. Take baby steps with this one. You might start by tasting something that you have been too afraid to try. Next, maybe reach out and send that email, make that phone call or join that meet-up group and start making connections. Each time you push yourself a little more, you gain a sense of accomplishment and the fear that holds you hostage begins to diminish. That fear of yours keeps you stuck not just within your comfort zone of familiarity, but at the mercy of the other person. Think about it, your controller wants you fearful. This ensures that you will not be venturing out on your own and out from under their control. This also provides them the added bonus of not having to keep an eye on you or barricade you in anyway, while giving you the misconception that staying put is your own choice and no fault of theirs. How convenient is this for them? It will feel a little scary at first but, if you start pushing the boundaries of your own comfort zone, your limits will expand, your horizon will widen and your world will become richer, enhanced with meaningful experiences and adventures.

4. Rebuild your self-confidence and be proud of who you are.

The last thing toxic people want is for you to have self-confidence. The more you do, the more you can do and the more you learn to trust yourself. You gain a sense of accomplishment and pride each time you try something that aligns with your soul. Be proud of the essence of you and everything about you. You did not exactly design yourself so it is okay to be grateful for all the wonderful things you were given such as your unique interests, feelings, preferences, quirks,thoughts, voice, and every single unique thing about you, even your faults. Nobody can take these things from you. These are yours from birth and a life of experiences. Look in the mirror every day and remind yourself that you are just as important and unique as any other human on this planet. Why shouldn’t you be?

For a long time I kept hoping that I would do something great, affect the world in some grand way to justify my existence, otherwise, my brain kept telling myself, I’m nobody. Gradually I’m realizing that I don’t have to do something great, or even do anything to be worthy of self-compassion. I give compassion out freely without any conditions of grand achievements. Why not turn that around to myself? If you notice that you’re doing the same thing, give yourself the love and compassion that you give others. In fact, double that for yourself. Wrap your arms around that beautiful soul and give thanks for the air you breath, the sounds you hear, the sights you see, the tastes you taste and the smells that bring you pleasure and pain.

5. Know your value.

Toxic people violate boundaries. When our boundaries are broken, the lines between us and the outside world are blurred and we forget our individual purpose. We are each an important part of this life process or we would not be here. None of us can see from our own perspective our own worth. That is not even for us to determine. All you have to do is trust that you were designed the way you were, not by you but by something much greater than you, much greater than all of us, for reasons we cannot fathom. No matter how bad things may seem, or how many people may disagree with you, may not like you, or may reject you, you are here and by the laws of the universe and principles of nature. You are here with unique qualities that are essential to this world. Believe in yourself, in your heart and soul that you are actually and literally, a force of nature. You are living, breathing proof of life with the ability to effect change, influence and inspire. In fact there is no way for you to exist without effecting change. So every idea you receive is far reaching and contains unknown possibility. Focus on your sense of self and before you know it, the damage you experienced from toxic relationships will be healed. Share your awesomeness with the world. Please, for the rest of us, let your light shine brightly.

Recognizing Toxic Relationships

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Recognizing Toxic Relationships

What is a toxic relationship?

Any relationship that is damaging or destructive is considered toxic.

Recognizing toxic relationships can be difficult. Toxic relationships literally violate boundaries. This includes physical, emotional, social, and spiritual violation, which damages the psyche. The term psyche is actually derived from the Greek word for ‘soul’, but used in psychology to refer to the elements of the mind. Consider violations of the psyche as violations to your mind and soul. Your soul is your vitality and the very essence of who you are. It is your emotional, intellectual and spiritual energy. Violations to this part of you may be the least definable and least detectable, therefore have the potential to cause the most harm. Your psychic boundary embodies all the non-physical aspects of you that make up your sense of self, including your thoughts, beliefs, experiences, memories, ideas, feelings, emotions, drives, desires, wants, likes, dislikes, etc.

When our psyche is violated, how do we function as the unique, independent soul that we were born to be? This is at the core of our every action. When someone toxic manipulates another person’s psyche, they can exert a great deal of control over them. This can be seen in cults, politics, workplaces, relationships and social groups. You might have experienced certain manipulative tactics used at some point in your life without even realizing it as they can be well disguised. Without knowing all the different ways that people attempt to control others, the experience of being in a toxic relationship is bewildering. This bewilderment is what leads to symptoms of anxiety, depression, apathy, and loss of self-confidence.

To begin to demystify the confusion around toxic people and the baffling emotions and behaviors, it helps to understand the core characteristics of manipulative people, the driving force behind toxicity.

There are three fundamental components of manipulative, toxic people: Insecurity, Control, and Entitlement (ICE).

I.C.E. = Insecurity, Control, Entitlement

Toxic people share some fundamental characteristics. The combination of the three ICE components (insecurity, control and entitlement) structures their belief system, causing manipulative people an unconscious desire to try to influence the world around them. The reason is that beneath ICE is fear. It is the constant stream of feelings, thoughts and beliefs that programs the manipulative person to operate with a never-ending sense of insecurity, or instability. When there is ICE there is a perceived need to control the situation. They feel entitled to do so because to them it is basic survival. They have a base feeling that if they don’t manage everything around them, their world will crumble, others will leave them, or they will become destitute. It is like being on the Titanic about to go down, grabbing for life vests, fighting for lifeboats, holding on to anything for dear life as her bow pitches and she begins to sink. To understand the world of a manipulator let’s break the three key components of ICE down, by looking at each one separately.

Insecurity:

Toxic people are insecure. Manipulative behavior begins with a feeling of insecurity. Just like the Titanic, a faulty structure is at the core of the problem, driving the need for frantic survival. Had the Titanic been securely designed with appropriate bulk-heads, the so-called watertight compartments would not have flooded, causing the ship to flood, tilt, and sink. The insecure emotional construct of the manipulator operates similarly in that a blow to its surface (or ego) floods the ego state with alarm causing a perceived need to control and maintain stability, which is sensed as self-gratification. When the ego is gratified, there is a feeling of stability. In toxic relationships the manipulator acts out of insecurity, to gain a sense of stability and security over the other person or people. They act in self-serving and controlling ways to calm their sense of fear by tricking themselves into feeling like they have the upper hand, or control of the situation. After a while victims of manipulation can begin to experience feelings of insecurity from repeated blows to the psyche and ego. Eventually both sides operate from a fear based standpoint, which exponentially increases the cycle of toxicity. Even the most loving, caring, and empathic people can become caught up in the toxic trap.

Insecurity cuts across all socio-economic statuses, all physical and intellectual types, all religions, and all cultures. Some of the people who appear to have the most confidence can have an underlying sense of insecurity, buried so deeply that even they are not aware of it or of its effects. They automatically and unconsciously operate from a point of fear, but are so trained in appearing strong and avoiding uncomfortable feelings that they have no real conscious connection to their tactics. This behavior is mystifying because we wonder how someone can be like that or act like that. We think certainly there must be some sort of consciousness or moral ground. There is typically a disorganized emotional construct behind such an elevated sense of instability, which causes uncertainty about meeting fundamental needs like safety, love, attachment, attention, acceptance, or respect. It may also include other more material needs such as physical or financial security. Insecurity causes behaviors that are generated from a place of deprivation rather than fulfillment. If someone deeply feels precarious about something, they are likely to attempt to take matters into their own hands, to try to control the situation and gain stability. When someone has an underlying sense that love, for example, can be lost, removed at a whim, or that it is dependent on certain factors, he or she will desperately try to maintain control of obtaining what they define as love. They may use unhealthy control tactics, which eventually have the reverse effects and cause the destruction of the relationship.

Control:

Toxic relationships are all about control. Control is the force exerted when operating from a place of fear in order to maintain stability. It is about power and influence. It includes any method of behavior to manipulate an outcome. There are many tactics that people use to manipulate someone else. They may be through emotional, physical, verbal, and non-verbal assaults, and some so subtle that they go unnoticed. It is difficult to identify control when it is cloaked in tactics like over complimenting or playing the victim. Some tactics are more obvious such as threats , isolation, criticism, belittling, humiliation, or financial control. Anything that can be used to sway or manipulate the other’s beliefs, thoughts, opinions or feelings is a form of control. The physical tactics can be easily recognized and defined. The covert tactics can often be the most damaging as discussed, because they assault the psychic boundaries without the receiver’s awareness or ability to protect one’s sense of self. The control usually starts out subtle and well disguised, but it progressively evolves into greater degrees of persuasion and manipulation. Sometimes outsiders have a better perspective and can see this more easily than the victims of such control because they are not as close to it. Toxic relationships can evolve so subtly and insidiously, that the victims believe they are the one contributing to much of the problematic decision making. The analogy of the frog in a pot of boiling water illustrates this best. When a frog is placed in a room temperature pot of water, the frog is unable to detect the rising temperature if raised gradually. The water can reach a boiling point without the frogs awareness, only to be too late to notice. The frog is being burned and is too weak to get out. In addition to being gradually overcome with fear, over time victims take on sort of an alternate personality, which was in part designed by the controller (without the victim’s awareness) to program the victim into the role of the caretaker. This ensures that the controller’s wants and needs come first, and are not to be questioned or challenged. Fear then transfuses from the manipulator to the victim, so that both parts operate on high alert, rather than from a place of love.

Entitlement:

When we think of entitlement, we think of selfishness, greed, advantage, and arrogance. The definition of entitlement is having the right to something. But to have a right to something without earning it is what we are talking about here. This is where it crosses the line and becomes problematic. Toxic relationships will typically be off balance. One person will be the giver and the other will be the receiver. These self-righteous people are associated with personality types that believe they deserve unearned privileges or resources that others do not, and at the expense of others. They show no regard toward concern or compromising, and seem to have an attitude of supremacy. They see others as mere obstacles to getting what they want and view the world around them as competition, therefore they have no interest in mutual benefits. Typically this is a disordered personality such as narcissistic, borderline (BPD), histrionic, or sociopaths.

According to research (Zitek, E. M., Jordan, A. H., Monin, B., & Leach, F. R. 2010). Victim entitlement to behave selfishly. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 98(2), 245–255), an exaggerated sense of entitlement can stem from a sense of being wronged. Of course being wronged causes a sense that not all is as it should be, which leads to insecurity, and acts of selfishness that are derived from a desire to obtain positive and avoid negative outcomes. In the study, the sense of being wronged refers to the possibility that at any point in life the subject could have experienced unfairness. If we look at this concept, it would make sense that a person’s sense of insecurity would at least partially play a role in their desire to put their own best interest before that of others.

Toxic people can be cloaked in sheep’s clothing.

Wolf in Sheep’s Clothing

It would be difficult for toxic people to continuously act obviously selfish over long periods of time because others would grow weary of them and begin to avoid them. The manipulator must therefore disguise selfish behavior in other forms to maintain his or her priority placement. This is how sometimes even the most seemingly giving individuals can have selfish motives in their ‘generosity’. Dismissing this possibility in others because they seem nice, or do so much for others can be a mistake. In fact, it causes confusion and bewilderment, leading to more anxiety, lack of confidence and ultimately depression. When you feel confusion about someone’s generosity, pay attention to your body’s signals and emotions. Usually there is not a lot of confusion around genuine kindness. You can sense that too. True gifts from the heart do not come with strings attached.

Don’t be fooled by nice words, politeness, gifts, over-complimenting, or other investments in you. Just look around and pay attention. These people are everywhere. Just this morning I witnessed a friendly looking woman attempting to get something at the expense of others. When I was in the checkout line at the grocery store I overheard her phone conversation with someone with whom she was obviously trying to schedule an appointment. She was polite and smiling, asking if there was anyway someone else’s appointment might be moved in order for her to be scheduled in her desired time-slot. When that did not work, she tried another tactic, asking if there was another place she might be able to go since they could not accommodate her request. It was obvious that she wanted this to go to this establishment, so she tried yet another tactic of over-complimenting, and then more tactics including name-dropping and promises of great reviews and referrals. Apparently none of these tactics worked for her and when she hung up her demeanor changed dramatically as she turned to her friend and began complaining about whoever was not able to give her what she wanted. She disparaged, devalued and outright criticized the facility (a nail salon as it turned out) because she felt entitled, with unrealistic expectations to an appointment at her discretion with no regard to others’ needs or wants.

Look for gifts with strings attached.

If someone is being nice to you, but you sense tension, confusion, anxiety, fear, or guilt, these could be some of the tactics being used to make you feel obligated, indebted or trapped. Sometimes manipulators will wrap their gifts with stipulations so they can cash in later, but their words, gifts or favors will not compare to what they expect in return. When dealing with a person who has an exaggerated sense of entitlement, there will be no way of repaying, or of ever fulfilling their needs, whims and wants. Their expectations will only grow larger. Neither you, nor anyone else will ever be able please them or fill their void. This leaves the empath with a feeling of emptiness and insecurity, and a feeling of never being good enough.

If you think you might be in a toxic relationship first begin by looking for any of the ICE elements. Have you ever noticed a sense of insecurity, control or entitlement from either your part or the other’s? These will be at the core of the relationship and the driving force behind the behaviors. Whether it is with a parent, sibling, co-worker, boss, friend or significant other, the fundamental energy of this type of connection can do a lot of damage. It is toxic. Pay attention and make some informed choices. Stick around here to learn how many of us have learned to begin to heal.

Toxic behaviors – Your Guide To Spotting The Signs From Those You Least Expect

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You may be interacting with a time bomb and not even know it.

How do you know if someone in your life is toxic?

Look for the drama. In fact, pay attention to the energy. Toxic behaviors can be among the most energy draining and destructive forces there are. People who have unmet needs, often the result of deeper emotional wounds, tend to be surrounded by drama and chaos. All humans are born with the need for love, attachment, attention, attraction and attunement. When these needs are ignored or go unfulfilled, negative behaviors can develop in attempts to satisfy these deficits. Oftentimes the behaviors present in unhealthy ways such as bullying, playing the victim or martyr, and perfectionism. Because the behaviors are self-serving they feel like a drain on our energy, which is exactly what they are. They literally leave us feeling exhausted. We can easily get sucked into their toxic dynamic without even knowing it, and take on our own role in the toxic cycle in an attempt to regain some of our energy.

This is why these behaviors are called toxic, because of the infectability factor. Toxic behaviors often live beneath our awareness, which is how it spreads. Anyone can carry it, like a virus, and it can go unnoticed for a long time. Whether the people in question are a significant part of your life or only a peripheral connection, negativity is catabolic, meaning it causes deterioration. It has the potential to break down your sense of self, decrease your motivation, passion, and wreak havoc on your personal joy. Toxic habits in regard to controlling, manipulative and abusive behaviors lower our personal energy levels, which ultimately results in anxiety, depression, or worse, complete apathy.

Our energy levels determine almost every aspect of our lives from joy, to success and overall well being. We need energy, and more importantly we need positive energy, so it is important to recognize the possible leaks and drains to our potential.

Let’s talk about relationships

When the word ‘relationship’ is spoken, it is most often identified with ideals of romance. Films and television shows tend to provide compelling storytelling examples for us. They offer starry templates from which we can start to build our understanding of what love should look like.

As we all know, the movies masterfully depict the ‘real life’ relationships they tell stories of, adding a great deal of sparkle to the scenes we are shown. They provide escapism, but they don’t necessarily help us to navigate our own choices and experiences.

But what about the other types of relationships we experience in our lives?

Every day, we engage in a multitude of relationships beyond the perimeters of partnership. We communicate with colleagues and chat with friends. We spend time with family members, including our children. Much of our time is spent in the company of others.

All of these relationships have an effect on our life experiences and our wellbeing.

Unfortunately, sometimes the relationships in our lives can cause us harm. The behaviors of the people we spend our time with inescapably have an effect on how we feel. They aren’t always easy to spot. Toxic behaviors can be hard to identify – especially when we, ourselves, are empathetic. We might find it hard to believe or to even imagine that someone we trust would take hurtful actions against us. But believe me, this happens way more than we think.

Abusive behaviors don’t always look like abusive behaviors.

Abusive behaviors can be disguised and difficult to recognize, but we can spot them by the manner in which they make us feel. If you feel consistently and regularly de-valued, lacking energy, or upset around a certain person, then this is not something to brush off. Ignoring these sorts of behaviors from someone now only allows them more power, as it takes away yours. This is not an acceptable arrangement no matter who the relationship is with or in what capacity.

Here are some examples of unhealthy behaviors from the different relationships we spend our time with:

1. Toxic Parents

The adults that are responsible for our care as we grow up have a huge effect on how we view and perceive the world around us. Whether you were brought up by your own biological parents or an appointed caregiver, their influence on you was impactful. It laid the groundwork for all other interactions in your life. The early developing neural-pathways were formed marked with rules and emotions regarding positive interactions and negative interactions that we might be programmed to avoid or protect ourselves from. Even as an adult, they continue to have an effect. Do you notice that your reactivity is extremely high when your parent/s call, or when you are in their presence? If so, then this could be a sign that there is some negative communication happening currently or likely has occurred previously. You have the right to be the individual you are meant to be and to have your own set of beliefs and values at every age. If you feel that your passions and ambitions are negated, criticized or put down, then this is a warning sign that there is possible negative behaviour on their part. You don’t have to accept this, no matter what stage of life you are in.

2. Toxic Relatives

In every culture, the value of the family network is significant. However, in some cases those ‘niche’ family traditions you all participate in can be unhealthy and you may not even realize it. Sometimes we can recognize the obvious insults and snide remarks, but sometimes the insults and control tactics are disguised and at the surface, imperceivable. Does your family brush off your ideas if they are different to their own? Do they question your differences, your values, or your interests if they don’t match theirs? These are unsupportive behaviors, and they can be damaging to self esteem. We don’t choose our family members. But this doesn’t mean we need to go along with them. Everybody deserves to be treated with consideration and respect. Families, out of familiarity, sometimes forget to pay attention to each other’s feelings, or even have ulterior motives. They know each other’s hot buttons and how to manipulate each other. Your relatives should be a support network for you, not a webbed trap to fall victim to. The same rules of healthy relationship behaviors should apply in every example of personal connection. It doesn’t matter whether someone is your cousin, your sibling, or even a relative by law. Your feelings matter, and you should always be treated with genuine care. At the very least, you deserve to be treated with respect.

3. Toxic Colleagues

For many of us, we spend a great deal of our time at work. In some cases, most of our time. Therefore, the relationships we are a part of when at work can have a large impact on our wellbeing. Are you respected by your colleagues? Do you feel singled out for your mistakes, or made to feel incapable? Unfortunately, sometimes playground behaviors of bullying and pack mentality can manifest in working environments. Pay attention to the patterns of communication and the tactics used to manage and control. Sometimes only one bad apple can infect the work environment through splitting techniques such as gossip, complaining or general negativity. If this is the case, then you need to seek support from your managers. If your managers are the problem, then consider a change of workplace. Your mental health is more important than any professional role, every time.

4. Toxic Friends

When a friendship is unhealthy, it can be a huge drain of our energy and valuable time. Sometimes friendships become negative as life moves on. Someone might have been an excellent friend to you throughout college, but now you are reaching for your goals they may resent your development and try to hold you back. This is a common but very destructive behavior. Some friendships are toxic from the start but we may not have recognized it. If you are questioning a current friendship, look for their ability to connect. If you are able to talk through any issues with your friend and work on the problems, then the friendship can likely be saved. But if the other person is unwilling to work on the friendship, this is a big red sign of toxic behavior. Acknowledge the reality of the situation and value yourself highly enough to remove yourself from it. You don’t need to create a dispute or even let them know your choices, if you don’t feel able to. But backing away from the friendship and into a safe space is perfectly fine. Remain vigilant with your boundaries and who you allow to be an active part of your life. Your ongoing mental health and wellbeing rely upon it.

5. Toxic Partners

We are at our most vulnerable with our partners. We get closer to them and allow them to see aspects of ourselves that few others see. We can become self protective or unsure when things don’t feel quite right. This is a normal part of being in a couple. But, what is not normal – and therefore unacceptable – is being treated in a way that makes you doubt your own value. Your home and your personal life is your sanctuary. If instead it feels like a series of restrictions for you to fight your way out of then pay attention to the relationship. Healthy, genuine love brings out the best sides of you. If you are consistently finding the most stressed, anxious and even angry sides of yourself surfacing, then you may need to examine the relationship you are in. It may be the case that this is the time to leave this toxic relationship behind. We will explore toxic romantic relationships further. Whether it is with a boyfriend/girlfriend, fiance, or spouse, these are the most significant relationships and therefore have the potential to cause the most damage to our psyche and sense of self.

Pay attention to your body’s signals.

One of the strongest tools you have at your disposal, is your personal gut instinct. This overlooked secret weapon is actually one of the most important ones you can use when gauging whether a person or situation is healthy for you or not.

Do you have a nagging feeling that something isn’t right? Listen to it.

Notice if your stomach clenches up, or if your shoulders tighten, or even any minor pains or discomforts. These can all be signs that your body is trying to tell you that something is not right.

We are all guilty to some degree of unhealthy behaviors. We are very human, and we are all learning as we go. The difference between an unhealthy relationship and healthy one, is simply the desire to make things better for the other person. Genuine love and respect does not allow for toxic behaviors. If you take just one thing away from this article, then let this statement be the element you take with you.

If you are currently involved in a relationship that is regularly making you unhappy, then don’t ignore it. Take action to establish your true value – not only to the other person, but for yourself. You are worthy of good care and genuine authenticity. You don’t deserve to be treated badly or manipulated to be someone you are not.

Nothing is more important than your wellbeing. This applies to you now, and always.

If someone in your life is in any way a danger to you – physically or emotionally – then seek immediate support to help you out of the situation. If you are not able to disconnect safely, then ask for help from trusted loved ones or a professional body.

The world is full of those who will love you in the way you deserve. If those people aren’t around you right now, then head out and find them. They are ready and waiting to enjoy spending time with you!