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Recognizing Toxic Relationships

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Recognizing Toxic Relationships

What is a toxic relationship?

Any relationship that is damaging or destructive is considered toxic. 

Recognizing toxic relationships can be difficult. Toxic relationships literally violate boundaries.  This includes physical, emotional, social, and spiritual violation, which damages the psyche. The term psyche is actually derived from the Greek word for ‘soul’, but used in psychology to refer to the elements of the mind.  Consider violations of the psyche as violations to your mind and soul. Your soul is your vitality and the very essence of who you are.  It is your emotional, intellectual and spiritual energy.  Violations to this part of you may be the least definable and least detectable, therefore have the potential to cause the most harm.  Your psychic boundary embodies all the non-physical aspects of you that make up your sense of self, including your thoughts, beliefs, experiences, memories, ideas, feelings, emotions, drives, desires, wants, likes, dislikes, etc.  

When our psyche is violated, how do we function as the unique, independent soul that we were born to be?  This is at the core of our every action. When someone toxic manipulates another person’s psyche, they can exert a great deal of control over them. This can be seen in cults, politics, workplaces, relationships and social groups. You might have experienced certain manipulative tactics used at some point in your life without even realizing it as they can be well disguised.  Without knowing all the different ways that people attempt to control others, the experience of being in a toxic relationship is bewildering. This bewilderment is what leads to symptoms of anxiety, depression, apathy, and loss of self-confidence.  

To begin to demystify the confusion around toxic people and the baffling emotions and behaviors, it helps to understand the core characteristics of manipulative people, the driving force behind toxicity.

There are three fundamental components of manipulative, toxic people:  Insecurity, Control, and Entitlement (ICE).

I.C.E. = Insecurity, Control, Entitlement

Toxic people share some fundamental characteristics. The combination of the three ICE components (insecurity, control and entitlement) structures their belief system, causing manipulative people an unconscious desire to try to influence the world around them.  The reason is that beneath ICE is fear. It is the constant stream of feelings, thoughts and beliefs that programs the manipulative person to operate with a never-ending sense of insecurity, or instability.  When there is ICE there is a perceived need to control the situation.  They feel entitled to do so because to them it is basic survival.  They have a base feeling that if they don’t manage everything around them, their world will crumble, others will leave them, or they will become destitute.  It is like being on the Titanic about to go down, grabbing for life vests, fighting for lifeboats, holding on to anything for dear life as her bow pitches and she begins to sink.  To understand the world of a manipulator let’s break the three key components of ICE down, by looking at each one separately.  

Insecurity:

Toxic people are insecure. Manipulative behavior begins with a feeling of insecurity. Just like the Titanic, a faulty structure is at the core of the problem, driving the need for frantic survival.  Had the Titanic been securely designed with appropriate bulk-heads, the so-called watertight compartments would not have flooded, causing the ship to flood, tilt, and sink.  The insecure emotional construct of the manipulator operates similarly in that a blow to its surface (or ego) floods the ego state with alarm causing a perceived need to control and maintain stability, which is sensed as self-gratification.  When the ego is gratified, there is a feeling of stability.  In toxic relationships the manipulator acts out of insecurity, to gain a sense of stability and security over the other person or people.  They act in self-serving and controlling ways to calm their sense of fear by tricking themselves into feeling like they have the upper hand, or control of the situation.  After a while victims of manipulation can begin to experience feelings of insecurity from repeated blows to the psyche and ego. Eventually both sides operate from a fear based standpoint, which exponentially increases the cycle of toxicity.  Even the most loving, caring, and empathic people can become caught up in the toxic trap.  

Insecurity cuts across all socio-economic statuses, all physical and intellectual types, all religions, and all cultures.  Some of the people who appear to have the most confidence can have an underlying sense of insecurity, buried so deeply that even they are not aware of it or of its effects. They automatically and unconsciously operate from a point of fear, but are so trained in appearing strong and avoiding uncomfortable feelings that they have no real conscious connection to their tactics.  This behavior is mystifying because we wonder how someone can be like that or act like that.  We think certainly there must be some sort of consciousness or moral ground.  There is typically a disorganized emotional construct behind such an elevated sense of instability, which causes uncertainty about meeting fundamental needs like safety, love, attachment, attention, acceptance, or respect.  It may also include other more material needs such as physical or financial security.  Insecurity causes behaviors that are generated from a place of deprivation rather than fulfillment.  If someone deeply feels precarious about something, they are likely to attempt to take matters into their own hands, to try to control the situation and gain stability.  When someone has an underlying sense that love, for example, can be lost, removed at a whim, or that it is dependent on certain factors, he or she will desperately try to maintain control of obtaining what they define as love. They may use unhealthy control tactics, which eventually have the reverse effects and cause the destruction of the relationship.

Control:

Toxic relationships are all about control. Control is the force exerted when operating from a place of fear in order to maintain stability.  It is about power and influence.  It includes any method of behavior to manipulate an outcome. There are many tactics that people use to manipulate someone else. They may be through emotional, physical, verbal, and non-verbal assaults, and some so subtle that they go unnoticed.  It is difficult to identify control when it is cloaked in tactics like over complimenting or playing the victim.  Some tactics are more obvious such as threats , isolation, criticism,  belittling, humiliation, or financial control.  Anything that can be used to sway or manipulate the other’s beliefs, thoughts, opinions or feelings is a form of control.  The physical tactics can be easily recognized and defined.  The covert tactics can often be the most damaging as discussed, because they assault the psychic boundaries without the receiver’s awareness or ability to protect one’s sense of self.  The control usually starts out subtle and well disguised, but it progressively evolves into greater degrees of persuasion and manipulation.  Sometimes outsiders have a better perspective and can see this more easily than the victims of such control because they are not as close to it.  Toxic relationships can evolve so subtly and insidiously, that the victims believe they are the one contributing to much of the problematic decision making. The analogy of the frog in a pot of boiling water illustrates this best.  When a frog is placed in a room temperature pot of water, the frog is unable to detect the rising temperature if raised gradually.  The water can reach a boiling point without the frogs awareness, only to be too late to notice.  The frog is being burned and is too weak to get out.  In addition to being gradually overcome with fear, over time victims take on sort of an alternate personality, which was in part designed by the controller (without the victim’s awareness) to program the victim into the role of the caretaker. This ensures that the controller’s wants and needs come first, and are not to be questioned or challenged. Fear then transfuses from the manipulator to the victim, so that both parts operate on high alert, rather than from a place of love.  

Entitlement:

When we think of entitlement, we think of selfishness, greed, advantage, and arrogance. The definition of entitlement is having the right to something.  But to have a right to something without earning it is what we are talking about here.  This is where it crosses the line and becomes problematic.  Toxic relationships will typically be off balance. One person will be the giver and the other will be the receiver. These self-righteous people are associated with personality types that believe they deserve unearned privileges or resources that others do not, and at the expense of others.  They show no regard toward concern or compromising, and seem to have an attitude of supremacy. They see others as mere obstacles to getting what they want and view the world around them as competition, therefore they have no interest in mutual benefits. Typically this is a disordered personality such as narcissistic, borderline (BPD), histrionic, or sociopaths.  

According to research (Zitek, E. M., Jordan, A. H., Monin, B., & Leach, F. R. 2010). Victim entitlement to behave selfishly. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 98(2), 245–255), an exaggerated sense of entitlement can stem from a sense of being wronged.  Of course being wronged causes a sense that not all is as it should be, which leads to insecurity, and acts of selfishness that are derived from a desire to obtain positive and avoid negative outcomes.  In the study, the sense of being wronged refers to the possibility that at any point in life the subject could have experienced unfairness.  If we look at this concept, it would make sense that a person’s sense of insecurity would at least partially play a role in their desire to put their own best interest before that of others.   

Toxic people can be cloaked in sheep’s clothing. 

Wolf in Sheep’s Clothing

It would be difficult for toxic people to continuously act obviously selfish over long periods of time because others would grow weary of them and begin to avoid them.  The manipulator must therefore disguise selfish behavior in other forms to maintain his or her priority placement. This is how sometimes even the most seemingly giving individuals can have selfish motives in their ‘generosity’.  Dismissing this possibility in others because they seem nice, or do so much for others can be a mistake.  In fact, it causes confusion and bewilderment, leading to more anxiety, lack of confidence and ultimately depression.  When you feel confusion about someone’s generosity, pay attention to your body’s signals and emotions.  Usually there is not a lot of confusion around genuine kindness.  You can sense that too.  True gifts from the heart do not come with strings attached.  

Don’t be fooled by nice words, politeness, gifts, over-complimenting, or other investments in you.  Just look around and pay attention.  These people are everywhere.  Just this morning I witnessed a friendly looking woman attempting to get something at the expense of others.  When I was in the checkout line at the grocery store I overheard her phone conversation with someone with whom she was obviously trying to schedule an appointment.  She was polite and smiling, asking if there was anyway someone else’s appointment might be moved in order for her to be scheduled in her desired time-slot.  When that did not work, she tried another tactic, asking if there was another place she might be able to go since they could not accommodate her request.  It was obvious that she wanted this to go to this establishment, so she tried yet another tactic of over-complimenting, and then more tactics including name-dropping and promises of great reviews and referrals.  Apparently none of these tactics worked for her and when she hung up her demeanor changed dramatically as she turned to her friend and began complaining about whoever was not able to give her what she wanted. She disparaged, devalued and outright criticized the facility (a nail salon as it turned out) because she felt entitled, with unrealistic expectations to an appointment at her discretion with no regard to others’ needs or wants.  

Look for gifts with strings attached.

If someone is being nice to you, but you sense tension, confusion, anxiety, fear, or guilt, these could be some of the tactics being used to make you feel obligated, indebted or trapped.  Sometimes manipulators will wrap their gifts with stipulations so they can cash in later, but their words, gifts or favors will not compare to what they expect in return.  When dealing with a person who has an exaggerated sense of entitlement, there will be no way of repaying, or of ever fulfilling their needs, whims and wants.  Their expectations will only grow larger. Neither you, nor anyone else will ever be able please them or fill their void.  This leaves the empath with a feeling of emptiness and insecurity, and a feeling of never being good enough. 

If you think you might be in a toxic relationship first begin by looking for any of the ICE elements.  Have you ever noticed a sense of insecurity, control or entitlement from either your part or the other’s?  These will be at the core of the relationship and the driving force behind the behaviors.  Whether it is with a parent, sibling, co-worker, boss, friend or significant other, the fundamental energy of this type of connection can do a lot of damage.  It is toxic.  Pay attention and make some informed choices.  Stick around here to learn how many of us have learned to begin to heal. 

Toxic behaviors – Your Guide To Spotting The Signs From Those You Least Expect

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You may be interacting with a time bomb and not even know it.

How do you know if someone in your life is toxic?

Look for the drama.  In fact, pay attention to the energy.  Toxic behaviors can be among the most energy draining and destructive forces there are. People who have unmet needs, often the result of deeper emotional wounds, tend to be surrounded by drama and chaos. All humans are born with the need for love, attachment, attention, attraction and attunement. When these needs are ignored or go unfulfilled, negative behaviors can develop in attempts to satisfy these deficits.  Oftentimes the behaviors present in unhealthy ways such as bullying, playing the victim or martyr, and perfectionism.  Because the behaviors are self-serving they feel like a drain on our energy, which is exactly what they are.  They literally leave us feeling exhausted.  We can easily get sucked into their toxic dynamic without even knowing it, and take on our own role in the toxic cycle in an attempt to regain some of our energy. 

This is why these behaviors are called toxic, because of the infectability factor. Toxic behaviors often live beneath our awareness, which is how it spreads. Anyone can carry it, like a virus, and it can go unnoticed for a long time.  Whether the people in question are a significant part of your life or only a peripheral connection, negativity is catabolic, meaning it causes deterioration. It has the potential to break down your sense of self, decrease your motivation, passion, and wreak havoc on your personal joy. Toxic habits in regard to controlling, manipulative and abusive behaviors lower our personal energy levels, which ultimately results in anxiety, depression, or worse, complete apathy.  

Our energy levels determine almost every aspect of our lives from joy, to success and overall well being.  We need energy, and more importantly we need positive energy, so it is important to recognize the possible leaks and drains to our potential.

Let’s talk about relationships

When the word ‘relationship’ is spoken, it is most often identified with ideals of romance. Films and television shows tend to provide compelling storytelling examples for us. They offer starry templates from which we can start to build our understanding of what love should look like.

As we all know, the movies masterfully depict the ‘real life’ relationships they tell stories of, adding a great deal of sparkle to the scenes we are shown. They provide escapism, but they don’t necessarily help us to navigate our own choices and experiences. 

But what about the other types of relationships we experience in our lives? 

Every day, we engage in a multitude of relationships beyond the perimeters of partnership. We communicate with colleagues and chat with friends. We spend time with family members, including our children. Much of our time is spent in the company of others. 

All of these relationships have an effect on our life experiences and our wellbeing. 

Unfortunately, sometimes the relationships in our lives can cause us harm. The behaviors of the people we spend our time with inescapably have an effect on how we feel. They aren’t always easy to spot. Toxic behaviors can be hard to identify – especially when we, ourselves, are empathetic.  We might find it hard to believe or to even imagine that someone we trust would take hurtful actions against us.  But believe me, this happens way more than we think.

Abusive behaviors don’t always look like abusive behaviors. 

Abusive behaviors can be disguised and difficult to recognize, but we can spot them by the manner in which they make us feel. If you feel consistently and regularly de-valued, lacking energy, or upset around a certain person, then this is not something to brush off. Ignoring these sorts of behaviors from someone now only allows them more power, as it takes away yours. This is not an acceptable arrangement no matter who the relationship is with or in what capacity.

Here are some examples of unhealthy behaviors from the different relationships we spend our time with:

1.  Toxic Parents 

The adults that are responsible for our care as we grow up have a huge effect on how we view and perceive the world around us. Whether you were brought up by your own biological parents or an appointed caregiver, their influence on you was impactful. It laid the groundwork for all other interactions in your life. The early developing neural-pathways were formed marked with rules and emotions regarding positive interactions and negative interactions that we might be programmed to avoid or protect ourselves from.   Even as an adult, they continue to have an effect. Do you notice that your reactivity is extremely high when your parent/s call, or when you are in their presence? If so, then this could be a sign that there is some negative communication happening currently or likely has occurred previously. You have the right to be the individual you are meant to be and to have your own set of beliefs and values at every age. If you feel that your passions and ambitions are negated, criticized or put down, then this is a warning sign that there is possible negative behaviour on their part. You don’t have to accept this, no matter what stage of life you are in.

2.  Toxic Relatives  

In every culture, the value of the family network is significant. However, in some cases those ‘niche’ family traditions you all participate in can be unhealthy and you may not even realize it.  Sometimes we can recognize the obvious insults and snide remarks, but sometimes the insults and control tactics are disguised and at the surface, imperceivable.  Does your family brush off your ideas if they are different to their own?  Do they question your differences, your values, or your interests if they don’t match theirs? These are unsupportive behaviors, and they can be damaging to self esteem. We don’t choose our family members. But this doesn’t mean we need to go along with them.  Everybody deserves to be treated with consideration and respect.  Families, out of familiarity, sometimes forget to pay attention to each other’s feelings, or even have ulterior motives. They know each other’s hot buttons and how to manipulate each other.  Your relatives should be a support network for you, not a webbed trap to fall victim to. The same rules of healthy relationship behaviors should apply in every example of personal connection. It doesn’t matter whether someone is your cousin, your sibling, or even a relative by law. Your feelings matter, and you should always be treated with genuine care. At the very least, you deserve to be treated with respect.

3.  Toxic Colleagues  

For many of us, we spend a great deal of our time at work. In some cases, most of our time. Therefore, the relationships we are a part of when at work can have a large impact on our wellbeing. Are you respected by your colleagues? Do you feel singled out for your mistakes, or made to feel incapable? Unfortunately, sometimes playground behaviors of bullying and pack mentality can manifest in working environments. Pay attention to the patterns of communication and the tactics used to manage and control.  Sometimes only one bad apple can infect the work environment through splitting techniques such as gossip, complaining or general negativity.  If this is the case, then you need to seek support from your managers. If your managers are the problem, then consider a change of workplace. Your mental health is more important than any professional role, every time.

4.  Toxic Friends  

When a friendship is unhealthy, it can be a huge drain of our energy and valuable time. Sometimes friendships become negative as life moves on. Someone might have been an excellent friend to you throughout college, but now you are reaching for your goals they may resent your development and try to hold you back. This is a common but very destructive behavior. Some friendships are toxic from the start but we may not have recognized it. If you are questioning a current friendship, look for their ability to connect.   If you are able to talk through any issues with your friend and work on the problems, then the friendship can likely be saved.  But if the other person is unwilling to work on the friendship, this is a big red sign of toxic behavior.  Acknowledge the reality of the situation and value yourself highly enough to remove yourself from it. You don’t need to create a dispute or even let them know your choices, if you don’t feel able to.  But backing away from the friendship and into a safe space is perfectly fine. Remain vigilant with your boundaries  and who you allow to be an active part of your life. Your ongoing mental health and wellbeing rely upon it.

5.  Toxic Partners  

We are at our most vulnerable with our partners. We get closer to them and allow them to see aspects of ourselves that few others see.  We can become self protective or unsure when things don’t feel quite right. This is a normal part of being in a couple. But, what is not normal – and therefore unacceptable – is being treated in a way that makes you doubt  your own value. Your home and your personal life is your sanctuary.  If instead it feels like a series of restrictions for you to fight your way out of then pay attention to the relationship. Healthy, genuine love brings out the best sides of you. If you are consistently finding the most stressed, anxious and even angry sides of yourself surfacing, then you may need to examine the relationship you are in. It may be the case that this is the time to leave this toxic relationship behind.  We will explore toxic romantic relationships further. Whether it is with a boyfriend/girlfriend, fiance, or spouse, these are the most significant relationships and therefore have the potential to cause the most damage to our psyche and sense of self.

Pay attention to your body’s signals. 

One of the strongest tools you have at your disposal, is your personal gut instinct. This overlooked secret weapon is actually one of the most important ones you can use when gauging whether a person or situation is healthy for you or not.

Do you have a nagging feeling that something isn’t right? Listen to it.

Notice if your stomach clenches up, or if your shoulders tighten, or even any minor pains or discomforts.  These can all be signs that your body is trying to tell you that something is not right.

 We are all guilty to some degree of unhealthy behaviors. We are very human, and we are all learning as we go. The difference between an unhealthy relationship and healthy one, is simply the desire to make things better for the other person. Genuine love and respect does not allow for toxic behaviors. If you take just one thing away from this article, then let this statement be the element you take with you. 

If you are currently involved in a relationship that is regularly making you unhappy, then don’t ignore it. Take action to establish your true value – not only to the other person, but for yourself. You are worthy of good care and genuine authenticity. You don’t deserve to be treated badly or manipulated to be someone you are not.

Nothing is more important than your wellbeing. This applies to you now, and always.

If someone in your life is in any way a danger to you – physically or emotionally – then seek immediate support to help you out of the situation. If you are not able to disconnect safely, then ask for help from trusted loved ones or a professional body.

The world is full of those who will love you in the way you deserve. If those people aren’t around you right now, then head out and find them. They are ready and waiting to enjoy spending time with you!