Covert Toxic Manipulation

It is much easier to spot from the outside.  The reason for my focus on this topic is because after several years of not knowing, I found myself in an unhealthy relationship that felt as though my soul had been drained out of me, which led me to my studies and ultimately to my career of helping others find their way out of unhealthy situations. If you’re questioning your relationship and not sure if it is, in fact toxic Here are a few things to look for. A decrease in your self-esteem, energy and motivation is usually one of the first signs. Ask yourself if it ever feels  like you’re walking on eggshells around your partner.  These are some indicators telling you that you might want to look further into the dynamics of your relationship.  My goal is to share with you some of my own personal experiences, knowledge and observations that I have gained over the years through living and studying the whys, hows, effects and dynamics of unhealthy relationships.  I work with hundreds of others who suffer in similar ways to recognize the signs, make healthy, informed decisions and regain a sense of self.

HOW CAN YOU TELL IF YOUR RELATIONSHIP IS UNHEALTHY ESPECIALLY WHEN THE PERSON IN QUESTION SEEMS NICE HALF THE TIME? 

“But sometimes we get along great.”

The first signs will come from your body.  You might feel an increase in anxiety, which could manifest into other physiological symptoms such as tension, often in the shoulders, stomach, head, etc.  You might start to doubt yourself, or find it more difficult to make decisions.  There could be symptoms of depression, anxiety or feelings of loneliness.  This is not to blame anyone outside of yourself for your own emotions, but instead to recognize your own emotions as red flags alerting you to pay attention.  Our feelings usually are indicators of unrecognized problems.  So much of our day to day life is spent through unconscious and habitual living, as though on auto-pilot, we don’t even realize how much of what is around us escapes our conscious awareness.  Since toxic relationships do not usually begin with presentations of obvious manipulation, the gradual evolution of them can go undetected. But there are signs, even initially that are easily overlooked.

THERE IS A FORMULA BEHIND EVERY TOXIC RELATIONSHIP THAT INCLUDES TWO PARTS

and looks like this; one side (the empath) attempts to ‘make’ the other person feel good, and the other side (the opposite of empaths) attempts to ‘make the other person make’ them feel good, neither of which have a full awareness of their own emotions or intentions. 

EO (OPPOSITE OF EMPATH)/E (EMPATH) = TR (TOXIC RELATIONSHIP)  

Empaths are defined as people who experience a great deal of empathy or the ability to feel what others feel.  The opposite of emaths lack the ability to feel what others feel and generally have personality disorders such as narcissistic, borderline, histrionic, antisocial, dependent, avoidant or paranoid personality disorders. We will get into more of this later.  For now recognize that the dynamic takes place as a sort of unspoken and unconscious agreement, like a dance that repeats itself with progressively increasing intensity. 

BRINGING THE DYNAMIC INTO AWARENESS IS THE FIRST STEP TO RECOVERY.  

There is another formula that actually strengthens the bond, often referred to as trauma bond, between these two sides and keeps people from leaving toxic relationships even when they know there is damage being done.  The catalyst of the trauma bond is the high contrast between negative and positive emotions, or the roller coaster effect. Through the ever increasing intensity and frequency of the empath/opposite of empath dance, emotions tend to plummet during and following the times when manipulative tactics are used to maintain control.  The moments of pleasant or even non-harmful interaction, by contrast, seem substantially more positive only because of the differential and therefore feels ecstatic. In other words, we would not feel quite as elated with a simple non-harmful interaction under normal circumstances where our emotional baseline was neutral. But since in toxic relationships, emotional baselines drop gradually over time to negative feelings, expectations and thoughts, any interaction with that person that is not high-conflict, or not infused with manipulation we experience with hope and excitement.  We tend to misinterpret this as passion and can easily become filled with false desire and yearning for the return of the person who made us feel good, thereby locking us in emotionally. 

HIGH CONTRAST BETWEEN NEGATIVE EMOTIONS(-) AND POSITIVE EMOTIONS(+) = FALSE FEELINGS OF ECSTACY AND HOPE.

This is why toxic relationships can last for decades or even indefinitely without awareness of the dynamic.  It becomes like an addiction, in fact it works on the same neural pathways as some substances such as opiates, which activates the pleasure center.  Toxic relationships, like opioids are highly addictive and can cause a lot of damage, yet the addiction holds the brain hostage, demanding more and more to feel even status-quo.  Throughout this blog we will explore the signs, symptoms and consequences of being in an unhealthy, emotionally abusive, controlling or toxic relationship as well as the healing process to regain strength, independence and freedom.