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Why Healthy Boundaries Are So Important.

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There are many reasons that healthy boundaries are important. I learned this the hard way. Several years ago, I met someone who I was immediately attracted to.  He was charismatic, polite, had a good sense of humor. We seemed to have a lot in common.  During the first month or so he disclosed a lot of personal information.  I remember feeling a twinge a few times with only a slight inkling that something made me uncomfortable.  I was in the habit of dismissing my feelings due to being in a toxic relationship for many years. Because of this, I ignored my gut and continued receiving and sharing intimate things with this person.  Sharing personal information with others can make us feel connected, but what about when the people you share with have toxic traits?  What you share could and likely will be held against you.  Oftentimes traits from the ‘dark triad’ personality cluster including narcissism, psychopathy, borderline personality disorder and Machiavellian, are at the core of boundary violation. The common denominators to these traits are behaviors that put personal needs and interests before the needs and interests of others, especially to gain control. 

Boundary setting is essential to health, strength and healing. 

We need healthy boundaries in order to form healthy relationships with others and without becoming enmeshed or dissociated.  Without boundaries, we are open for the control of others as they try to place their will on us. We tend to struggle with knowing how and where to draw the line or even what our boundaries are.  Our boundary marks the limit between us and everything else. Boundaries are what protect us, make us unique, help us define and live the life we desire.  Our health is directly related to establishing healthy boundaries.  What we are talking about goes beyond physical boundaries, which are easy enough to define.  We all take precautions to protect our physical boundaries.  More now than ever we wash our hands, brush our teeth, cover our mouth when we sneeze and expect others to do the same. Most people lock the doors to their homes and some learn self-defense.  We have an understanding of non-physical boundaries because we know to protect our intellectual boundaries, our private information, and our financial information.  But setting healthy boundaries must include emotional and psychic limitations as well.  

The Difference Between Healthy Boundaries and Unhealthy Boundaries

Think of your boundary in terms of an energy field that surrounds you and includes every aspect of you.

We live in an energy field, we are a manifestation of energy and we are surrounded by energy at all levels. LIterally everything is either energy or matter.  In fact, according to Albert Einstein, energy and matter are interchangeable. Matter is actually still energy, just lower frequency levels. 

“Concerning matter, we have been all wrong.  What we have called matter is really energy, whose vibration has been lowered as to be perceivable to the senses.”  -Albert Einstein

We are constantly exposed to all kinds of energies, but in our human bodies, we are limited to the way we can logically interpret and measure energy through our five senses (sight, sound, taste, touch, smell).  Our sense of balance may provide a sixth somewhat measurable sense, and intuition is certainly a sense but we cannot accurately measure intuition yet.  Energy constantly bombards our sensory systems.  Without healthy boundaries, when we are exposed to negative energies, including those of other people’s emotions.  It is possible to absorb them and become ‘infected’ with lower levels of energy ourselves.  Lower frequency energies are counter productive and are characterized by a lack of light.  Base emotions such as hate, pity, greed, jealousy, anger, or apathy resonate at very low levels and are said to be devoid of light. This level will literally bring us down, drain us, and make us feel depleted.  On the contrary, more productive and positive levels of energy vibrate at higher frequencies and are associated with emotions of love, acceptance, generosity, trust, joy and inspiration. Love is filled with light.  

Recognizing when our boundaries are violated can be tricky.

We have been conditioned to ignore boundary violations. We can recognize when our boundaries are off-center or being crossed by paying attention to our own feelings. Our emotions and our bodies give us signals and warning signs.  Someone who has experienced boundary violations can become blind to these signals because they have been programmed to disregard the physiological sensations and even emotions that are faithfully brought to our attention by our own bodies and soul.  Being raised in a toxic household, or being in a toxic relationship numbs the senses through the systematic and repeated manipulation of others for the purpose of control.  There are emotions that are generally targeted and therefore important to pay attention to. These are fear, obligation, and guilt (F.O.G.).  Some of the offshoots from these feelings are stress, anger, anxiety, depression, apathy, resentment, and discomfort.  When others take advantage of us, or don’t validate our experiences our brain releases charged emotions to get our attention, which often feel like confusion, or any of the other forenamed emotions.  Is there anyone in your life with whom you feel a sense of fear, obligation or guilt? Who do you have a difficult time saying no to? Is there anyone with whom you feel nervous, resentful or anxious?  

Boundary violation means being at the whim of others.

A violation to our boundary might result in unconsciously allowing other people’s feelings and moods to dictate your own.  If you notice that you are responding to, or changing your behavior based on someone else’s emotional state such as anger, sadness, or indifference take that as a sign that there may be an area in your own boundary that could benefit from your attention.   Besides sacrificing your own needs and wants to avoid or alter the moods of others, look for signs of boundary imbalance. Include taking responsibility for other people’s feelings, and blaming others for your issues.  Sometimes behaviors can be so routine, or so subtle that they go unnoticed for years until we finally become conscious of what is happening.  You might find it easier to just give in to someone rather than have to deal with their reaction.  The reaction you fear might be anger or punishment in some form. You may not label your reaction as fear based at all, but rather more of an avoidance to something like their sadness, or possible pestering.

What causes broken boundaries?

We begin to form boundaries early in life.  One of the first developmental stages includes an understanding of physical separation from mom, recognizing that we are in fact an individual not connected to our mother.  Our families first teach us about our boundaries by reflecting our experiences, meeting or not meeting our needs and wants.  We learn to recognize the safety of asserting our wants and needs.  As we grow we continue to learn ways to verbalize and express our feelings.  When parents who are struggling with their own issues and lack the capacity to provide feedback, reinforcement, or attention then the child finds alternative ways to get their needs met.  The energy field has essentially been distorted or disorganized.  Any traumatic experience can pierce holes in our energy field, reshaping the field to be weak in certain areas and consequently negatively reinforcing others areas with defenses and avoidance tactics.  This causes a sort of lop-sidedness or imbalance.  It also causes a propensity to higher sensitivity to others’ energy fields including stress, moods and emotional states.  Weakened or imbalanced boundaries can also result from abandonment. We have a fundamental need as humans to attach to our caregivers.  When that is not possible, our boundaries are left with a gaping hole, which human nature wants to fill with anything possible.  We can become prone to unhealthy attachments to other people or things, leaving us vulnerable and exposed to danger.  

Let’s explore the concept of broken or weakened boundaries in terms of the principles of nature.  In the physical and energy world things need to be in balance, which means two equal opposing forces.  (see my previous blog on How Physics Relates to Mental Health).  An eggshell is a pretty good visual for this because we can imagine how that thin shell responds depending on the inside structure.  A raw egg is pretty fragile and can break easily if dropped or banged on the side of a bowl.  Eggshells that have been emptied of their insides are even more fragile because there is nothing on the inside pushing against any external force, so the slightest pressure will shatter the shell.  Imagine a more flexible exterior surface, like that of a balloon. Depending on the pressure, or how much air is inside, it could either explode or with impact or it becomes stretched, misshapen or thinned.  

healthy boundary with balanced forces
When all forces are balanced the boundary is stable.
Unbalanced forces
When forces are out of balance the boundary is unstable, and easily manipulated or violated.

Now, apply this image to a three dimensional model on any level from a molecular level with protons and electrons orbiting around a nucleus, or a cellular structure of any living organism, to the level of the solar system. This oversimplified concept provides a metaphorical model of balance in nature.  Healthy boundaries must have balance between internal and external forces. That means internally you need to have as much certainty about your experiences, feelings, wants and needs as others’ impositions on you in order to stay balanced.

A.  Model of an atom showing protons and electrons orbiting a nucleus.
B.  Basic cell structure representing cytoplasm at the nucleus.
C.  Diagram of the solar system showing planets in orbit around the sun.

Creating boundaries and clearing our energy fields

When is setting limits mean and selfish and when is it strengthening?  For example, if someone in need is politely asking for something that we might not have the resources for, we might try to provide and comply out of a sense of obligation or compassion.  This is where our body signals come into play and we need to pay attention.  Sometimes shoulders tighten up or there may be a feeling of a knot in the stomach.  This is the subconscious sending signals through the body telling us that we need to implement some healthy boundaries, or we are in danger of depleting our resources.   We can so easily become blind to our own needs.  We might be accustomed to attending to the needs of others for many different reasons.  Sometimes we get sensitized to the possible negative reactions of others and automatically reply with what may seem to cause the least amount of backfire, even if it means overextending ourselves.  We unconsciously allow others to invade our space, personal business, 

But our body’s signal could be trying to bring out attention to our needs. Consider the consequences to ourselves and to let go of others’ reactions, including their consequential negative emotions.  After this consideration and weighing out of end results, you might want to gracefully decline.  If you are not used to saying no or drawing your own boundaries this can feel uncomfortable and scary.  It takes practice.  It helps to begin establishing a repertoire of responses.  Here are a few that can serve as examples: “I’m sorry, I would love to be able to, but I do not have the resources/time/ability.” Or:  “Thank you for asking me but I have too much on my plate right now.”  “I’m not really good at/into [home shopping parties/selling things/crafts/etc] but thank you for thinking of me.”

Figure out your boundaries.  What you are willing and unwilling to accept, do, believe, think, etc. This can be enhanced through self-awareness.  Pay attention to your feelings.  Your emotions are there to tell you something about yourself.  Notice when FOG gets in the way. FOG is fear, obligation or guilt.  Maybe you fear saying no to someone or expressing your beliefs, because it might hurt their feelings, or there may be negative consequences.  There might be a sense of obligation that you ‘should’ do something or be there for someone even when you’re drained.  Examine this because it could go back to what we discussed earlier about those who strategically design a sense of obligation to maintain control and a feeling of indebtedness.  Pay attention to your actions and notice when you are responding because of a feeling of fear, obligation or guilt. Remember, enforcing your boundaries does not make you a bad person, it makes you a healthy person.

Help With Establishing Boundaries
10 Way to Build and Preserve Better Boundaries

Recognizing Toxic Relationships

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Recognizing Toxic Relationships

What is a toxic relationship?

Any relationship that is damaging or destructive is considered toxic. 

Recognizing toxic relationships can be difficult. Toxic relationships literally violate boundaries.  This includes physical, emotional, social, and spiritual violation, which damages the psyche. The term psyche is actually derived from the Greek word for ‘soul’, but used in psychology to refer to the elements of the mind.  Consider violations of the psyche as violations to your mind and soul. Your soul is your vitality and the very essence of who you are.  It is your emotional, intellectual and spiritual energy.  Violations to this part of you may be the least definable and least detectable, therefore have the potential to cause the most harm.  Your psychic boundary embodies all the non-physical aspects of you that make up your sense of self, including your thoughts, beliefs, experiences, memories, ideas, feelings, emotions, drives, desires, wants, likes, dislikes, etc.  

When our psyche is violated, how do we function as the unique, independent soul that we were born to be?  This is at the core of our every action. When someone toxic manipulates another person’s psyche, they can exert a great deal of control over them. This can be seen in cults, politics, workplaces, relationships and social groups. You might have experienced certain manipulative tactics used at some point in your life without even realizing it as they can be well disguised.  Without knowing all the different ways that people attempt to control others, the experience of being in a toxic relationship is bewildering. This bewilderment is what leads to symptoms of anxiety, depression, apathy, and loss of self-confidence.  

To begin to demystify the confusion around toxic people and the baffling emotions and behaviors, it helps to understand the core characteristics of manipulative people, the driving force behind toxicity.

There are three fundamental components of manipulative, toxic people:  Insecurity, Control, and Entitlement (ICE).

I.C.E. = Insecurity, Control, Entitlement

Toxic people share some fundamental characteristics. The combination of the three ICE components (insecurity, control and entitlement) structures their belief system, causing manipulative people an unconscious desire to try to influence the world around them.  The reason is that beneath ICE is fear. It is the constant stream of feelings, thoughts and beliefs that programs the manipulative person to operate with a never-ending sense of insecurity, or instability.  When there is ICE there is a perceived need to control the situation.  They feel entitled to do so because to them it is basic survival.  They have a base feeling that if they don’t manage everything around them, their world will crumble, others will leave them, or they will become destitute.  It is like being on the Titanic about to go down, grabbing for life vests, fighting for lifeboats, holding on to anything for dear life as her bow pitches and she begins to sink.  To understand the world of a manipulator let’s break the three key components of ICE down, by looking at each one separately.  

Insecurity:

Toxic people are insecure. Manipulative behavior begins with a feeling of insecurity. Just like the Titanic, a faulty structure is at the core of the problem, driving the need for frantic survival.  Had the Titanic been securely designed with appropriate bulk-heads, the so-called watertight compartments would not have flooded, causing the ship to flood, tilt, and sink.  The insecure emotional construct of the manipulator operates similarly in that a blow to its surface (or ego) floods the ego state with alarm causing a perceived need to control and maintain stability, which is sensed as self-gratification.  When the ego is gratified, there is a feeling of stability.  In toxic relationships the manipulator acts out of insecurity, to gain a sense of stability and security over the other person or people.  They act in self-serving and controlling ways to calm their sense of fear by tricking themselves into feeling like they have the upper hand, or control of the situation.  After a while victims of manipulation can begin to experience feelings of insecurity from repeated blows to the psyche and ego. Eventually both sides operate from a fear based standpoint, which exponentially increases the cycle of toxicity.  Even the most loving, caring, and empathic people can become caught up in the toxic trap.  

Insecurity cuts across all socio-economic statuses, all physical and intellectual types, all religions, and all cultures.  Some of the people who appear to have the most confidence can have an underlying sense of insecurity, buried so deeply that even they are not aware of it or of its effects. They automatically and unconsciously operate from a point of fear, but are so trained in appearing strong and avoiding uncomfortable feelings that they have no real conscious connection to their tactics.  This behavior is mystifying because we wonder how someone can be like that or act like that.  We think certainly there must be some sort of consciousness or moral ground.  There is typically a disorganized emotional construct behind such an elevated sense of instability, which causes uncertainty about meeting fundamental needs like safety, love, attachment, attention, acceptance, or respect.  It may also include other more material needs such as physical or financial security.  Insecurity causes behaviors that are generated from a place of deprivation rather than fulfillment.  If someone deeply feels precarious about something, they are likely to attempt to take matters into their own hands, to try to control the situation and gain stability.  When someone has an underlying sense that love, for example, can be lost, removed at a whim, or that it is dependent on certain factors, he or she will desperately try to maintain control of obtaining what they define as love. They may use unhealthy control tactics, which eventually have the reverse effects and cause the destruction of the relationship.

Control:

Toxic relationships are all about control. Control is the force exerted when operating from a place of fear in order to maintain stability.  It is about power and influence.  It includes any method of behavior to manipulate an outcome. There are many tactics that people use to manipulate someone else. They may be through emotional, physical, verbal, and non-verbal assaults, and some so subtle that they go unnoticed.  It is difficult to identify control when it is cloaked in tactics like over complimenting or playing the victim.  Some tactics are more obvious such as threats , isolation, criticism,  belittling, humiliation, or financial control.  Anything that can be used to sway or manipulate the other’s beliefs, thoughts, opinions or feelings is a form of control.  The physical tactics can be easily recognized and defined.  The covert tactics can often be the most damaging as discussed, because they assault the psychic boundaries without the receiver’s awareness or ability to protect one’s sense of self.  The control usually starts out subtle and well disguised, but it progressively evolves into greater degrees of persuasion and manipulation.  Sometimes outsiders have a better perspective and can see this more easily than the victims of such control because they are not as close to it.  Toxic relationships can evolve so subtly and insidiously, that the victims believe they are the one contributing to much of the problematic decision making. The analogy of the frog in a pot of boiling water illustrates this best.  When a frog is placed in a room temperature pot of water, the frog is unable to detect the rising temperature if raised gradually.  The water can reach a boiling point without the frogs awareness, only to be too late to notice.  The frog is being burned and is too weak to get out.  In addition to being gradually overcome with fear, over time victims take on sort of an alternate personality, which was in part designed by the controller (without the victim’s awareness) to program the victim into the role of the caretaker. This ensures that the controller’s wants and needs come first, and are not to be questioned or challenged. Fear then transfuses from the manipulator to the victim, so that both parts operate on high alert, rather than from a place of love.  

Entitlement:

When we think of entitlement, we think of selfishness, greed, advantage, and arrogance. The definition of entitlement is having the right to something.  But to have a right to something without earning it is what we are talking about here.  This is where it crosses the line and becomes problematic.  Toxic relationships will typically be off balance. One person will be the giver and the other will be the receiver. These self-righteous people are associated with personality types that believe they deserve unearned privileges or resources that others do not, and at the expense of others.  They show no regard toward concern or compromising, and seem to have an attitude of supremacy. They see others as mere obstacles to getting what they want and view the world around them as competition, therefore they have no interest in mutual benefits. Typically this is a disordered personality such as narcissistic, borderline (BPD), histrionic, or sociopaths.  

According to research (Zitek, E. M., Jordan, A. H., Monin, B., & Leach, F. R. 2010). Victim entitlement to behave selfishly. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 98(2), 245–255), an exaggerated sense of entitlement can stem from a sense of being wronged.  Of course being wronged causes a sense that not all is as it should be, which leads to insecurity, and acts of selfishness that are derived from a desire to obtain positive and avoid negative outcomes.  In the study, the sense of being wronged refers to the possibility that at any point in life the subject could have experienced unfairness.  If we look at this concept, it would make sense that a person’s sense of insecurity would at least partially play a role in their desire to put their own best interest before that of others.   

Toxic people can be cloaked in sheep’s clothing. 

Wolf in Sheep’s Clothing

It would be difficult for toxic people to continuously act obviously selfish over long periods of time because others would grow weary of them and begin to avoid them.  The manipulator must therefore disguise selfish behavior in other forms to maintain his or her priority placement. This is how sometimes even the most seemingly giving individuals can have selfish motives in their ‘generosity’.  Dismissing this possibility in others because they seem nice, or do so much for others can be a mistake.  In fact, it causes confusion and bewilderment, leading to more anxiety, lack of confidence and ultimately depression.  When you feel confusion about someone’s generosity, pay attention to your body’s signals and emotions.  Usually there is not a lot of confusion around genuine kindness.  You can sense that too.  True gifts from the heart do not come with strings attached.  

Don’t be fooled by nice words, politeness, gifts, over-complimenting, or other investments in you.  Just look around and pay attention.  These people are everywhere.  Just this morning I witnessed a friendly looking woman attempting to get something at the expense of others.  When I was in the checkout line at the grocery store I overheard her phone conversation with someone with whom she was obviously trying to schedule an appointment.  She was polite and smiling, asking if there was anyway someone else’s appointment might be moved in order for her to be scheduled in her desired time-slot.  When that did not work, she tried another tactic, asking if there was another place she might be able to go since they could not accommodate her request.  It was obvious that she wanted this to go to this establishment, so she tried yet another tactic of over-complimenting, and then more tactics including name-dropping and promises of great reviews and referrals.  Apparently none of these tactics worked for her and when she hung up her demeanor changed dramatically as she turned to her friend and began complaining about whoever was not able to give her what she wanted. She disparaged, devalued and outright criticized the facility (a nail salon as it turned out) because she felt entitled, with unrealistic expectations to an appointment at her discretion with no regard to others’ needs or wants.  

Look for gifts with strings attached.

If someone is being nice to you, but you sense tension, confusion, anxiety, fear, or guilt, these could be some of the tactics being used to make you feel obligated, indebted or trapped.  Sometimes manipulators will wrap their gifts with stipulations so they can cash in later, but their words, gifts or favors will not compare to what they expect in return.  When dealing with a person who has an exaggerated sense of entitlement, there will be no way of repaying, or of ever fulfilling their needs, whims and wants.  Their expectations will only grow larger. Neither you, nor anyone else will ever be able please them or fill their void.  This leaves the empath with a feeling of emptiness and insecurity, and a feeling of never being good enough. 

If you think you might be in a toxic relationship first begin by looking for any of the ICE elements.  Have you ever noticed a sense of insecurity, control or entitlement from either your part or the other’s?  These will be at the core of the relationship and the driving force behind the behaviors.  Whether it is with a parent, sibling, co-worker, boss, friend or significant other, the fundamental energy of this type of connection can do a lot of damage.  It is toxic.  Pay attention and make some informed choices.  Stick around here to learn how many of us have learned to begin to heal.