Tag Archives: Healing From Abuse

Honor Your Uniqueness

After being in a toxic relationship we lose our sense of individuality.

We become conditioned to ignore our wants, needs, values, likes, and dislikes. Self-expression was threatening to the toxic person so it was squashed in subtle ways. We learned that individuality returned negative consequences in some form or another. In order to heal from toxic relationships we must regain our sense of self and honor our uniqueness. Relearn that it is okay to be different, and not have the same opinions, interests, or needs as others. In fact, not only is it okay, it is vital to the human race that we are all different.

Find your passion. Let your music be heard.

“Be daring, be different, be impractical, be anything that will assert integrity of purpose and imaginative vision against the play-it-safers, the creatures of the commonplace, the slaves of the ordinary.“

~ Cecil Beaton

To fully heal from toxic pain, you have to remember who you are.

For years I did not honor my own individuality. I tried desperately to hide any differences so that I might fit in, often at the expense of my own uniqueness, talents, interests, beliefs and behaviors. I hid a lot of what makes me me because I feared appearing different and ultimately being punished or rejected. One of the biggest milestones in healing from toxic relationships is when we can recognize that our individuality is valuable.

Think of our education system. Schools are primarily about conforming so that teachers and staff can keep order. Students are taught very early to walk a straight line, when to speak and when to keep quiet, what types of things they are aloud to say, ask, do, and even think. Awards are given to every child so that nobody feels left out or bad about themselves, even if Jack runs faster than Anthony, they both get an award. And when Anthony is better at reading, they still both get awards. How does this honor each of their unique talents and celebrate their individuality? It only reinforces the false concept that we must all be alike, which squashes not only uniqueness but also self-esteem, because no two people are alike.

Being like everyone else is an impossibility, a guaranteed failure, an expectation that nobody can fulfill. In our education system, churches, and other institutions, individual thinking is frowned upon. Imagine how the world would be if people like Leonardo Da Vinci, Darwin, Thomas Edison, or Albert Einstein thought only as they were instructed to think? Anyone who ever stood out from the rest and achieved greatness, only did so because of their uniqueness. They may have fought many battles for it, but today are considered great visionaries, and world changers.

How do you stand out?

Healing from toxic relationships requires asserting your individuality.

It took a long time and a lot of courage to reveal certain aspects of myself such as my own quirkiness, talents, interests or fascinations that others seemed to find dull (which of course, would mean that I must therefore be dull). I’m still working on this, and even writing this blog feels scary. I have to keep reminding myself that the more genuine I am about who I am, the more I find like-minded people. After unknowingly being controlled by others for so many years, characteristics like courage, trust and internal fortitude are only a few of the things that took a toll. The risk of losing perceived friends or connections with others seemed too overwhelming to allow my true self to show. Exposing feelings, interests, beliefs, etc. hadn’t worked out for me during my relationships with controlling people because controlling people are threatened by these qualities as they represent self-confidence, strength and independence. Controllers will use whatever methods they can to break those characteristics down in order to gain control.

How can we possibly see the big picture from the single perspective of our comparatively tiny human brains? There are about 6 billion humans on this planet. It fascinates me that out of the billions and trillions of humans that have ever lived, each one of us is unique. Sure, there are similarities, but none of us are exactly the same. Did you ever contemplate the magnitude of this? Why, and how are we all so different? Imagine what life would be like if we were all the same. Let’s take a quick microscopic look at any living thing. Each cell has a valuable and vital function to fill. A flower has many parts just to bloom into a flower so that it can carry out its own purpose in life. A seed begins with a cell, which divides, and as the cells increase in number they begin to have different characteristics to carry out specific roles; root, stem, leaf, bud, bloom, petal, pollen and or fruit and so on. They all work together for a greater purpose but they each have their own specific function. Our bodies are similar, with each cell instructed to perform specific tasks. Each cell is valuable in its uniqueness, just as each individual human is a valuable and vital asset to something much greater than ourselves. Our value and purpose usually expands much beyond comprehension.

Self-confidence is usually the first thing to be attacked in a toxic relationship.

Healing from toxic relationships requires a rebuilding of self-confidence. Whether through overt or covert tactics manipulators target your sense of self. Without self-confidence there will be little to support independent thinking or strength of character. Where did that self-confidence go? Don’t worry, it’s still there, it’s just buried under a lot of fear, obligation and guilt (FOG). The first thing we need to do is start questioning everything. Our beliefs may have been adopted automatically through exposure to the doctrines around us like our parents, spouses, churches, education, friends, or other trainings. A controlling relationship will certainly speed up the process of unconsciously changing our beliefs. We may not even notice the beliefs we gradually adopt through subtle training, manipulation and scare tactics. Any emotion paired with fear is supercharged and on high alert, ready for action, even if that means conformation to external influences. Controllers attempt to impose their set of rules onto others in their attempt to gain their own personal wants, needs, and desires. If they can program their partner, child, or employee to do their bidding, that makes their life so much easier.

So how do we begin to tap into courage and strength?

Finding our way back to the that stuff that sets us apart and makes us awesome is the exciting part of the journey to healing. There are some exercises that can help boost your sense of self and thereby increase self-confidence, the driving force behind regaining your sense of self. All of them work toward healing and increasing awareness about who you are and who you are meant to be on this planet as a unique individual with a distinct purpose that nobody else can quite fulfill.

1. Stop worrying about pleasing others.

Put yourself first, meaning your needs, your feelings, your wants, your desires and your sanity. Being in a controlling relationship literally trains you to put others first. Over time you forget about your own needs because you are hyper-focused on pleasing others. This happens because you are either rewarded or punished for putting others first. You begin to operate from a place of fear rather than from a place of love. You might fear the consequences of another’s displeasure, anger or bad mood. If you pay attention to your reactions, you will notice that you live in fear of their anger or hurt feelings. What is controlling you? Ask yourself what it is that you are worried about? Why do you care what others think or feel, especially at the cost of your own joy. Giving away your joy is a surefire way to decrease self-esteem, so stop. Be nice to yourself and quit worrying about others’ anger, feelings, opinions or even attention. Give your attention to the things that you actually enjoy.

2. Pay attention to your sensory experiences.

How will we know what we actually enjoy if we don’t pay attention to the way we experience the world around us? That is the soul purpose of our bodies, to experience life. We have five measurable ways to do this; through sight, sound, taste, touch and smell. We each experience the world in our own ways but can only make measurable interpretations through these five senses. There are other senses that give us information about our world such as balance, intuition, our sense of love and energy, even though we have yet to accurately form a system to measure these things. Pay attention to all of your senses and dive into the human experience of the moment, indulge in a sensory bath and really notice what and how you feel. Notice what you enjoy and what inspires you. This not only allows you to be you through the practice of seeing the world through your own eyes, so to speak, but is also very grounding. It places you in the moment instead of the constant state of worry about the past or future. This exercise allows your to experience new things and form new sensory associations, which helps compete against the strong sensory associations created by the false input of others.

3. Go outside of your comfort zone every once in a while.

Another way to boost self-confidence and heal from toxic relationships is to go outside of your comfort zone. It might seem daunting at first, but with a little effort it can do wonders for your self-esteem. Take baby steps with this one. You might start by tasting something that you have been too afraid to try. Next, maybe reach out and send that email, make that phone call or join that meet-up group and start making connections. Each time you push yourself a little more, you gain a sense of accomplishment and the fear that holds you hostage begins to diminish. That fear of yours keeps you stuck not just within your comfort zone of familiarity, but at the mercy of the other person. Think about it, your controller wants you fearful. This ensures that you will not be venturing out on your own and out from under their control. This also provides them the added bonus of not having to keep an eye on you or barricade you in anyway, while giving you the misconception that staying put is your own choice and no fault of theirs. How convenient is this for them? It will feel a little scary at first but, if you start pushing the boundaries of your own comfort zone, your limits will expand, your horizon will widen and your world will become richer, enhanced with meaningful experiences and adventures.

4. Rebuild your self-confidence and be proud of who you are.

The last thing toxic people want is for you to have self-confidence. The more you do, the more you can do and the more you learn to trust yourself. You gain a sense of accomplishment and pride each time you try something that aligns with your soul. Be proud of the essence of you and everything about you. You did not exactly design yourself so it is okay to be grateful for all the wonderful things you were given such as your unique interests, feelings, preferences, quirks,thoughts, voice, and every single unique thing about you, even your faults. Nobody can take these things from you. These are yours from birth and a life of experiences. Look in the mirror every day and remind yourself that you are just as important and unique as any other human on this planet. Why shouldn’t you be?

For a long time I kept hoping that I would do something great, affect the world in some grand way to justify my existence, otherwise, my brain kept telling myself, I’m nobody. Gradually I’m realizing that I don’t have to do something great, or even do anything to be worthy of self-compassion. I give compassion out freely without any conditions of grand achievements. Why not turn that around to myself? If you notice that you’re doing the same thing, give yourself the love and compassion that you give others. In fact, double that for yourself. Wrap your arms around that beautiful soul and give thanks for the air you breath, the sounds you hear, the sights you see, the tastes you taste and the smells that bring you pleasure and pain.

5. Know your value.

Toxic people violate boundaries. When our boundaries are broken, the lines between us and the outside world are blurred and we forget our individual purpose. We are each an important part of this life process or we would not be here. None of us can see from our own perspective our own worth. That is not even for us to determine. All you have to do is trust that you were designed the way you were, not by you but by something much greater than you, much greater than all of us, for reasons we cannot fathom. No matter how bad things may seem, or how many people may disagree with you, may not like you, or may reject you, you are here and by the laws of the universe and principles of nature. You are here with unique qualities that are essential to this world. Believe in yourself, in your heart and soul that you are actually and literally, a force of nature. You are living, breathing proof of life with the ability to effect change, influence and inspire. In fact there is no way for you to exist without effecting change. So every idea you receive is far reaching and contains unknown possibility. Focus on your sense of self and before you know it, the damage you experienced from toxic relationships will be healed. Share your awesomeness with the world. Please, for the rest of us, let your light shine brightly.

Recognizing Toxic Relationships

What is a toxic relationship?

Any relationship that is damaging or destructive is considered toxic.

Recognizing toxic relationships can be difficult. Toxic relationships literally violate boundaries. This includes physical, emotional, social, and spiritual violation, which damages the psyche. The term psyche is actually derived from the Greek word for ‘soul’, but used in psychology to refer to the elements of the mind. Consider violations of the psyche as violations to your mind and soul. Your soul is your vitality and the very essence of who you are. It is your emotional, intellectual and spiritual energy. Violations to this part of you may be the least definable and least detectable, therefore have the potential to cause the most harm. Your psychic boundary embodies all the non-physical aspects of you that make up your sense of self, including your thoughts, beliefs, experiences, memories, ideas, feelings, emotions, drives, desires, wants, likes, dislikes, etc.

When our psyche is violated, how do we function as the unique, independent soul that we were born to be? This is at the core of our every action. When someone toxic manipulates another person’s psyche, they can exert a great deal of control over them. This can be seen in cults, politics, workplaces, relationships and social groups. You might have experienced certain manipulative tactics used at some point in your life without even realizing it as they can be well disguised. Without knowing all the different ways that people attempt to control others, the experience of being in a toxic relationship is bewildering. This bewilderment is what leads to symptoms of anxiety, depression, apathy, and loss of self-confidence.

To begin to demystify the confusion around toxic people and the baffling emotions and behaviors, it helps to understand the core characteristics of manipulative people, the driving force behind toxicity.

There are three fundamental components of manipulative, toxic people: Insecurity, Control, and Entitlement (ICE).

I.C.E. = Insecurity, Control, Entitlement

Toxic people share some fundamental characteristics. The combination of the three ICE components (insecurity, control and entitlement) structures their belief system, causing manipulative people an unconscious desire to try to influence the world around them. The reason is that beneath ICE is fear. It is the constant stream of feelings, thoughts and beliefs that programs the manipulative person to operate with a never-ending sense of insecurity, or instability. When there is ICE there is a perceived need to control the situation. They feel entitled to do so because to them it is basic survival. They have a base feeling that if they don’t manage everything around them, their world will crumble, others will leave them, or they will become destitute. It is like being on the Titanic about to go down, grabbing for life vests, fighting for lifeboats, holding on to anything for dear life as her bow pitches and she begins to sink. To understand the world of a manipulator let’s break the three key components of ICE down, by looking at each one separately.

Insecurity:

Toxic people are insecure. Manipulative behavior begins with a feeling of insecurity. Just like the Titanic, a faulty structure is at the core of the problem, driving the need for frantic survival. Had the Titanic been securely designed with appropriate bulk-heads, the so-called watertight compartments would not have flooded, causing the ship to flood, tilt, and sink. The insecure emotional construct of the manipulator operates similarly in that a blow to its surface (or ego) floods the ego state with alarm causing a perceived need to control and maintain stability, which is sensed as self-gratification. When the ego is gratified, there is a feeling of stability. In toxic relationships the manipulator acts out of insecurity, to gain a sense of stability and security over the other person or people. They act in self-serving and controlling ways to calm their sense of fear by tricking themselves into feeling like they have the upper hand, or control of the situation. After a while victims of manipulation can begin to experience feelings of insecurity from repeated blows to the psyche and ego. Eventually both sides operate from a fear based standpoint, which exponentially increases the cycle of toxicity. Even the most loving, caring, and empathic people can become caught up in the toxic trap.

Insecurity cuts across all socio-economic statuses, all physical and intellectual types, all religions, and all cultures. Some of the people who appear to have the most confidence can have an underlying sense of insecurity, buried so deeply that even they are not aware of it or of its effects. They automatically and unconsciously operate from a point of fear, but are so trained in appearing strong and avoiding uncomfortable feelings that they have no real conscious connection to their tactics. This behavior is mystifying because we wonder how someone can be like that or act like that. We think certainly there must be some sort of consciousness or moral ground. There is typically a disorganized emotional construct behind such an elevated sense of instability, which causes uncertainty about meeting fundamental needs like safety, love, attachment, attention, acceptance, or respect. It may also include other more material needs such as physical or financial security. Insecurity causes behaviors that are generated from a place of deprivation rather than fulfillment. If someone deeply feels precarious about something, they are likely to attempt to take matters into their own hands, to try to control the situation and gain stability. When someone has an underlying sense that love, for example, can be lost, removed at a whim, or that it is dependent on certain factors, he or she will desperately try to maintain control of obtaining what they define as love. They may use unhealthy control tactics, which eventually have the reverse effects and cause the destruction of the relationship.

Control:

Toxic relationships are all about control. Control is the force exerted when operating from a place of fear in order to maintain stability. It is about power and influence. It includes any method of behavior to manipulate an outcome. There are many tactics that people use to manipulate someone else. They may be through emotional, physical, verbal, and non-verbal assaults, and some so subtle that they go unnoticed. It is difficult to identify control when it is cloaked in tactics like over complimenting or playing the victim. Some tactics are more obvious such as threats , isolation, criticism, belittling, humiliation, or financial control. Anything that can be used to sway or manipulate the other’s beliefs, thoughts, opinions or feelings is a form of control. The physical tactics can be easily recognized and defined. The covert tactics can often be the most damaging as discussed, because they assault the psychic boundaries without the receiver’s awareness or ability to protect one’s sense of self. The control usually starts out subtle and well disguised, but it progressively evolves into greater degrees of persuasion and manipulation. Sometimes outsiders have a better perspective and can see this more easily than the victims of such control because they are not as close to it. Toxic relationships can evolve so subtly and insidiously, that the victims believe they are the one contributing to much of the problematic decision making. The analogy of the frog in a pot of boiling water illustrates this best. When a frog is placed in a room temperature pot of water, the frog is unable to detect the rising temperature if raised gradually. The water can reach a boiling point without the frogs awareness, only to be too late to notice. The frog is being burned and is too weak to get out. In addition to being gradually overcome with fear, over time victims take on sort of an alternate personality, which was in part designed by the controller (without the victim’s awareness) to program the victim into the role of the caretaker. This ensures that the controller’s wants and needs come first, and are not to be questioned or challenged. Fear then transfuses from the manipulator to the victim, so that both parts operate on high alert, rather than from a place of love.

Entitlement:

When we think of entitlement, we think of selfishness, greed, advantage, and arrogance. The definition of entitlement is having the right to something. But to have a right to something without earning it is what we are talking about here. This is where it crosses the line and becomes problematic. Toxic relationships will typically be off balance. One person will be the giver and the other will be the receiver. These self-righteous people are associated with personality types that believe they deserve unearned privileges or resources that others do not, and at the expense of others. They show no regard toward concern or compromising, and seem to have an attitude of supremacy. They see others as mere obstacles to getting what they want and view the world around them as competition, therefore they have no interest in mutual benefits. Typically this is a disordered personality such as narcissistic, borderline (BPD), histrionic, or sociopaths.

According to research (Zitek, E. M., Jordan, A. H., Monin, B., & Leach, F. R. 2010). Victim entitlement to behave selfishly. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 98(2), 245–255), an exaggerated sense of entitlement can stem from a sense of being wronged. Of course being wronged causes a sense that not all is as it should be, which leads to insecurity, and acts of selfishness that are derived from a desire to obtain positive and avoid negative outcomes. In the study, the sense of being wronged refers to the possibility that at any point in life the subject could have experienced unfairness. If we look at this concept, it would make sense that a person’s sense of insecurity would at least partially play a role in their desire to put their own best interest before that of others.

Toxic people can be cloaked in sheep’s clothing.

Wolf in Sheep’s Clothing

It would be difficult for toxic people to continuously act obviously selfish over long periods of time because others would grow weary of them and begin to avoid them. The manipulator must therefore disguise selfish behavior in other forms to maintain his or her priority placement. This is how sometimes even the most seemingly giving individuals can have selfish motives in their ‘generosity’. Dismissing this possibility in others because they seem nice, or do so much for others can be a mistake. In fact, it causes confusion and bewilderment, leading to more anxiety, lack of confidence and ultimately depression. When you feel confusion about someone’s generosity, pay attention to your body’s signals and emotions. Usually there is not a lot of confusion around genuine kindness. You can sense that too. True gifts from the heart do not come with strings attached.

Don’t be fooled by nice words, politeness, gifts, over-complimenting, or other investments in you. Just look around and pay attention. These people are everywhere. Just this morning I witnessed a friendly looking woman attempting to get something at the expense of others. When I was in the checkout line at the grocery store I overheard her phone conversation with someone with whom she was obviously trying to schedule an appointment. She was polite and smiling, asking if there was anyway someone else’s appointment might be moved in order for her to be scheduled in her desired time-slot. When that did not work, she tried another tactic, asking if there was another place she might be able to go since they could not accommodate her request. It was obvious that she wanted this to go to this establishment, so she tried yet another tactic of over-complimenting, and then more tactics including name-dropping and promises of great reviews and referrals. Apparently none of these tactics worked for her and when she hung up her demeanor changed dramatically as she turned to her friend and began complaining about whoever was not able to give her what she wanted. She disparaged, devalued and outright criticized the facility (a nail salon as it turned out) because she felt entitled, with unrealistic expectations to an appointment at her discretion with no regard to others’ needs or wants.

Look for gifts with strings attached.

If someone is being nice to you, but you sense tension, confusion, anxiety, fear, or guilt, these could be some of the tactics being used to make you feel obligated, indebted or trapped. Sometimes manipulators will wrap their gifts with stipulations so they can cash in later, but their words, gifts or favors will not compare to what they expect in return. When dealing with a person who has an exaggerated sense of entitlement, there will be no way of repaying, or of ever fulfilling their needs, whims and wants. Their expectations will only grow larger. Neither you, nor anyone else will ever be able please them or fill their void. This leaves the empath with a feeling of emptiness and insecurity, and a feeling of never being good enough.

If you think you might be in a toxic relationship first begin by looking for any of the ICE elements. Have you ever noticed a sense of insecurity, control or entitlement from either your part or the other’s? These will be at the core of the relationship and the driving force behind the behaviors. Whether it is with a parent, sibling, co-worker, boss, friend or significant other, the fundamental energy of this type of connection can do a lot of damage. It is toxic. Pay attention and make some informed choices. Stick around here to learn how many of us have learned to begin to heal.

Spiral Garden

Emotional Healing